Talk To Me

ok so its no secret that we live in world that is full of annoying idiots, where people throw virtual sheep at you on a daily basis and talk to you about their baseless dreams. and by dreams i dont mean those where you'd want to work like a maniac, buy your own private island and retire at the ripe age of 27. no. i mean those dreams where they tell you about being chased around by 20 feet cheese-monster wearing diapers. now this may seem really trivial compared to whats happening elsewhere around the world. but THIS crap affects me directly. on a daily basis. and its killing me in babysteps.

i dont ask for a lot. but i think its time i spoke out against drivel. drivel like:

-drama tv shows: i dont care if chuck bass is both a sweetheart and an asshole and i could care less if gabrielle solis was a hoochie. so stop giving me recaps of shitty shows i dont watch for a reason.

-fancy cellphones: i dont care if your cellphone has gps navigation. the very fact that youre lost in the first place proves that youre not a man. i dont care if android is best thing ever since powdered wigs or if your cellphone comes with builtin night vision and translates your speech into the finnish language. listening to you ramble on about your fancy new phone just reminds me about listening to techno-bullshit jargon on an episode of star trek.

“Oh Captain… I canna start the warp drive because the dylithum crystals were drained by the flux capacitor when we passed through the wormhole.”

-songs as ringtones: ok so, ringtones are for girls. for girls who jump 10 feet in the air like a 3 year old chinese gymnast whenever their 'favourite 'jam' comes on the radio. yes, rocketeer is a good song but you dont need to pretend to be a spaceship everytime your phone rings. stfu and answer your phone already.

-energy drinks: dont be telling me how you HAVE to have a 750ml can of a popular brand of energy drink at 2pm every day. its not impressive. its quite the opposite. because, you are in fact admitting to being so useless that you need a can of artificial fruit-flavoured crap to help you get on with your day. if you really cant make it through a day without being sleepy, then do the manly thing and snort 10 lines pure Afghan cocaine laced with grounded coffee grains and a little bit of crystal meth.

thank you.

Call Them Peter Pan

Ok so I can tolerate a lot of things. It might not seem that way, but i can. I can live with kids and men across the country suddenly wearing Real Madrid jerseys and partying like puberty came early everytime "their" team wins a match. I can sort of appreciate women spending 45 minutes to get ready, even if it is just to go to the local store and buy a couple of vegetables. I can understand men wearing their jeans a little low showing their boxers to the whole world. I can even understand the medical reasoning behind air kissing people everytime you meet them.

But the one thing that always gets me is the fitted hat. The fitted hat has become a common sight out in the streets and in the malls. I guess that's one more thing I should be thankful to rappers for sexy-fying, other than wearing shades whilst indoors and doing heroin.

Now I might be completely wrong here but I always thought the whole purpose of a hat was to provide shade and protection from the sun. So doesn't having a completely flat visor beat that whole purpose and make you question the use and existence of the fitted hit in general? I sure think so. And turning the hat a little to the side so that the visor only now covers half your face- what is the logic behind that?

Throw in a sweatband along with a rubber wristband and you've got a real Grade-A douche. Pop-up those shirt collars too, while you're at it.

Following all these fashion trends is fine as long as you're a teen, living at home with your parents. But I do think its taking it a little too far if you're a 20-something 'man' who is STILL living at home with your parents. Perhaps its time to trade in the bermuda shorts and stark white tennis shoes for a pair of chinos and a neck tie.

In the words of Orlando McGuire, “In this day and age, the mass majority turn 18 and think they're a man or a woman and that's it. But that's just not true. You have to establish your manhood or your womanhood with actions.”

However, I'd like to think that majority usually just means that all the fools are on the same side.

Another Title Bites The Dust

within a country that is plagued with corruption, poverty, crime, division over caste and religious sects, cricket is still that lone aspect that brings us all together as a single nation. and that is why we place our cricketers on a pedestal. but i think its high time we started questioning this thinking.

Glueinthedark says that this is the team's work, life, leisure. basically their whole world, and that we should cut them some slack. sadly, i disagree for if that were really true, then it would show in the way they played the game. the only comprehensive victory was in the opening game, that too against bangladesh- a team considered inferior to ours.

if our team really did spend considerable time preparing for this tournament, then the top batting line would click rather than fall (or rather collapse) after accumulating a meagre amount of runs. butt displayed the only sign of consistency in a batting line-up that is regarded as an expert in this format of the game. and ironically, butt wasnt even considered as for being part of the squad during the initial team selection process.

alright fine, ill give in to the fact that batting might not have been our strength as of late. and one could find some comfort with the likes of sami, asif, amer, tanvir, gul forming our bowling attack. yet, pakistan chose to sport a predominantly spin line-up. where new zealand's pace bowlers troubled pakistan with bouncers and short-pitched bowls, afridi and hafeez got clobbered for runs. surprisingly, razzaq went for the least amount of runs and he hasnt even been a stable part of the team lately. so where does all this time the team spent preparing for the tournament show ?

well the logical guess would be in their fielding. and that would be a very smart guess, considering the average age of the squad being around the mid-20s. but where the old and aged of other nations dove, slid and chased after balls, our youth fumbled, tripped or merely watched the ball run by while pointing at someone else to collect it.

the bare truth of the matter is that we had no place being the semi-final, a spot we only stumpled upon at the misfortune of others. the bare truth of the matter is that, like always, australia were the side who were better trained, better prepared, better played and that is why they deserved to win.

a team that was once the most feared in tests and one-dayers alike, had been reduced to being champions of a format of the game considered to be a joke by pundits of the sport. and today we lost out on that title too. we might point and laugh at other teams (india in particular) for faring worse than us, but atleast they are and will be held to strict inquisitions. what awaits our players on returning to the homeland? another commercial for a hair product or for a soft drink.

go green, go !

*sparkle* Robsessed *sparkle sparkle*

ok so easter is just around the corner- a time for candy, skimpy bunny costumes and kids. yayyy!! thank god this holiday isnt illegal. although i could do without the kids bit.

speaking of things that should be illegal, robert pattinson is a name that certainly comes to mind. why this joker is still around, i have no idea. how he became a celebrity is even more baffling to me.

his acting skills are non-existent. i know he was in one or two of the potter movies, but they killed him off because he sucked. i mean you must be really bad if harry's odd, goofy ginger sidekick has starred in more movies than you.

and then there are the twilight movies. all he really does is mope around for 90 minutes and then sparkle in the sun for a few seconds towards the climax. i know he's stuck as a teenager but he's supposed to be 300 years old. stop being an emotional, suicidal teen and act your age, goddamnit!!

so acting skills are out, how about looks ?

well when you hear the word, “celebrity”, you think of glamorous, clean cut, put together people like george clooney, john stamos, johnny depp. you definitely don’t think of them looking like they’re homeless. homeless, thats exactly what robert pattinson looks like with his oily, scruffy hair and a look of dumb-fuck on his face. i honestly think he's on the fast track of becoming the next joaquin phoenix.

now i understand it can be hard to get a measure of how exactly i feel about robert pattinson, so i decided to dr seuss it for you internet. here goes:

'i hate rob patt on a plane, i hate rob patt on a train. i hate rob patt here and there, i hate rob patt everywhere. throw your rob patt against the wall, kick your rob patt while it crawls. these thoughts i think i must, but wrong i know i trust myself to stop to it. but i cant. so ill continue this rant.'

anywho, so is robert pattinson really famous ? well he might think he is famous. but hes not famous. he is synonmous with the word douche, but certainly not famous. thats what makes him douchebag of the day. scratch that, douchebag of the decade.

Purgatory

there he stood, by the water's edge, only the wail of the wind and his thoughts to keep him company. his thoughts of her, for that was all that remained of her.

he could still remember that day as if it were yesterday. their eyes had met across the crowded room. for him, it was love at first sight. he was taken over by the delicacy of her features. her brown eyes brightened up the room. her gentle, timid smile made his heart skip a beat. he felt her silent gaze pierce his heart and touch the very depth of his being. like a phantom, she had flown across and captured his heart.

and now she was gone. and the coldness was her final gift. there was no other tale to tell. every day is a lie. that he is slowly dying, that is not a lie. how does he prepare for the day when every memory is gone ?

days turned to months and months to seasons, yet no respite. every place he sought refuge, brimmed with her memory. he missed her in the changing of the seasons. he missed her at the rise and fall of the sun. in the passing of time itself and he hated himself for it all. for not being able to let go.

they had all lied to him. made empty promises of how the passing of time would ease his pain. rage and grief still lingered. the constant ache of loneliness was ever present. all emotions had faded into nothingness, only to be replaced by a haze.

the night is so still that he forgets to breathe. the dark air gets colder, the howl of the wind growing louder. he wonders if it is too late for him. if change is inevitable. he scowls at the world, thinking of all the lives. the lives that go on while he still drifts in purgatory.

twisted and torn, he walks off into the night with his mind rambling.
he would never forget her, for she still managed to captivate him.
he would never forget her, for he still loved her.

Typecast

Youth In Revolt, another typical micheal cera movie where he wakes up in morning after NOT getting laid, goes through day after day NOT getting laid and the movie ends with him NOT getting laid.

as bad as being typecasted is, there can still be some variation if you happen to be an action hero. you can play a vietnam war vet who kills without prejudice, renegade cop who yells obscenities has he kills all the badies single handedly, a half-man half scorpion creature. heck you even get to play the tooth fairy ! now thats variety.

no such luck for cera. his movie career seems to be a running of groundhog day, except that he is no bill murray. poor bastard.

yes, the last few weeks have been pretty slow.

Avatar Mania

ok so with all this talk and praise about avatar and how it has become the highest grossing movie of all time, i thought i too should jump on the avatar wagon. only that my wagon is hitched in the opposite direction. from an entertainment perspective, i am quite disappointed with the movie. the story lacks originality, drags on and is predictable.

avatar is what you get if the blueman group, dances with wolves, the masai tribe and a dozen pack of skittles all came together.

'hey panda, so what if james cameron ripped off pocahontas, dances with wolves, the new world and firekind ?!! the movie is still a visual masterpiece. an orgasm for the eyes !'

perhaps. but just like an orgasm, its not something you can sit through for 3 hours. atleast i couldnt. it was like having a cake made entirely of chocolate frosting. or being beaten on the head with a rainbow- just too much of a good thing.

no wonder people walked out with depression and suicidal tendencies.

Pout-tastic !

ok so thanks to facebook, online stalking has been brought a whole new dimension. every now and then youll come across someone with a public profile. and that always makes me feel like the kid who just got that life-sized ninja turtles costume for his birthday (still waiting for that). 850 pictures ? dont mind if i do !

but just when youre in the absolute midst of getting your stalk on, you come across a picture so douchey that it just puts you off completely. yes, i am talking the pouted lips pose. im sorry, but there is nothing sexy about looking like a duck. do you ever remember donald duck getting lucky ? i sure dont.

isnt having random guys ogling your pictures the greatest unsaid compliment you could ask her ? isnt that the real reason why you actually have over a 1000 pictures posted on facebook ? so stop acting like a douche and stop pouting.

you might think that flashing gang signs at parties or posing with your girlfriends in public washrooms with your lips protuding a few inches from your faces makes it look like you know how to party, just like that fictional bastard from monopoly with his fancy suit, top hat and monocle. but in reality you just set yourself up for an endless barrage of ridicule. it does also feed your hunger for attention, seeing as how any PR is good PR. so i guess its a win-win situation for everyone. yayy !

by the way, what is this fascination with taking pictures in public washrooms ? i have yet to figure that out. perhaps its the male equivalent to posing with half your shirt lifted to conviniently display your abs. just a little too douchey for my taste. unless there is female nudity involved, then its ok.

Online Chatting

ok so im not really a big fan of online chatting. i mean theres only so much you can chat about before the conversation starts to drag on. and the beeps, alerts, flashing tabs, nudges and winks only serve as a constant reminder of the scinthilating nuggets of wisdom waiting for you.

Hell, the only appeal that facebook does present is the lack of obligation in replying immediately to your friends' posts. anywho heres a breakdown of the types of the different type of people ive come across over the years and still do:

-the question talker: always talks in questions. what are you trying to do, have a conversation with me or force some sort of a confession ?

-the so-so: everytime a conversation dies out, their only attempt at starting a new one is to type in the word 'so'. and with every dead conversation, the 'so' ends up stretching longer and longer until all you see is 'sooooooooooooooooooooooo'. look, there's a reason why the chat died in the first (second, third and fourth place)- YOU'RE BORING !

-the illiterate: dey thinkz itz 2 kewl 2 alwez talk lik dis. No one thinks that's cool, not even k-fed or vanilla ice.

-the color whore: they sprinkle the chat with excessive emoticons and brightly colored fonts, just like a donut with rainbow sparkles. the only thing more sparkley than such a chat is the damn twilight vampire.

-the nonstop: as long as youre signed in and online, this person makes it their personal mission to bombard you with nonsensical facts about anything and everything. to me, you and your facts are as useful as a jam sandwich to a drowning cat.

-the disappearance act: the complete opposite of the nonstop. right in the middle of a conversation, this person will just randomly disappear from their pc.

-the busy bee: one who is signed into a chat program with a busy status and gets annoyed when you message.if youre actually really busy, what purpose do you have signed in on a chat program ?

-the lol freak: lol and all of its derivatives (lmao, rofl etc) have just gone to mean 'i dont have the intellect to come up with anything interesting to say'. type lol more than 3 times in chat with me and you will find yourself permanently blocked. come on, youre no bull grazing in the field of literature.

-the mute: who never starts a conversation nor replies to any of your messages, but rather just sits there in your contact list like a virtual piece of eye candy. and what's worse is that you don't even know how this person ended up amongst your contacts in the first place or what he/she is still doing there.

so if you identity yourself while going through this list and start to feel even an ounce of accomplishment, dont. just dont.

Heist !

ok so who doesnt love a good heist movie. youve usually got fast car chase scenes, a couple of good fist fights and a cute chick. so which guy wouldnt love a heist movie ? even dane cook, who usually goes on about retarded things like how he would name his first born "ffrrrrrrr" (wtf ?), accepts that he would love nothing more than to be part of a heist.

maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.

anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.

i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.

i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.

i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.

i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).

Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.

i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.

i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?

i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.

who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.

Hey, Look At Me ! Ima Douche !

ok so cell phones have officially replaced sports cars as the 'hey, look at me !' item, especially for guys. i'll admit its way cheaper to buy the blackberry storm than a ferrari, but they both pretty much mean the same thing- youre a douche ! and more the functions your cell phone has, the bigger the douche you are. lets see..:

pda: ok so this has got to be one of the most useless options available on a phone and is used by guys who think they are players. well if you were really a player, you would have an actual human assistant, not a digital one !

gps: you being lost in the first place only confirms you being a douche !

built-in games: theres no pride in gloating abt the 2 games pre-programmed into your cell phone. the fact that you cant shell out for a psp and have to rely crap like tetris to entertain yourself just proves youre a grade-a douche.

voice recognition dialing: i have yet to see a voice recognition dialing system that dials the correct contact on the first attempt. and belieive me, nothing screams out 'douce alert !' louder than a person yelling in public at his phone 'call maria, not saira..i said to call maria !!!' (true story..)

having all these functions on your cell phone is just like fitting your old nissan sunny with spoilers, side skirts and neon lights. and using all these features in public is just like walking around in a mall wearing sweat bands on your wrists, a toque and sunglasses, with your pants resting gingerly on your ass-crack, showing the world just how big of a douche you really are.

Just Dance !

ok so i dont know if its just me, but dancing really seems to be in these days. you've got 'dance-reality' shows on tv like so you think you can dance and dancing with the stars, and these shows always rake in huge ratings. even on 'talent-reality' shows, dance acts seem to do really well with the audience and judges alike. so that has got me thinking about the power of dance and maybe its something that i need to embrace wholeheartedly, seeing as how already i am all dance and no belly.

letting these thoughts molest my mind for a bit, i am now convinced that all the problems and troubles in the world will go away if i just dance. my problems, not yours mind you. afterall isnt that how it is in the movies ? and hollywood certainly wouldnt lie to us like that, with all those movies being based on REAL life stories. for all you skeptics out there, i took the liberty of researching the validity of my claim about the link between dancing and problems. heres what i found :

dirty dancing: dancing helps a rich, daddy's girl and a camp dance instructor get out of an illegal abortion scenario, escape burglary charges and end up together in the end, despite their vastly differing backgrounds.

you got served: after getting served (as the title rightly suggests), dancing helps two best friends get back together after a rift, get over the drive-by death of one of their friends, win $50,000, get the opportunity to star in a lil kim video and serve the dance crew who initially served them. oh and one of the leads also ends up with his best friends sister. wow, now thats gotta be one of a dance !

step up: dancing brings a troublemaking street dancer and a privileged modern dancer together to perform a routine that could change their lives for the better. dancing also helps the guy get the girl in the end.

and lets not forget zoolander, where breakdance-fighting helps prevent the assassination of the prime-rib of micronesia.

all this just tells me that there is no problem that dance cant fix. got a final tomorrow that you havent studied for ? no problem. just dance in front of your class and see your professor give you an A. about to lose your job due to the economic crisis ? march right up to your boss's office and break into a 10 minute dance sequence. not only will you get promoted rather than being fired, but youll now also have stock options. about to be dumped by your girfriend ? just dance and not only will she never break up with you but she'll also offer to do all your laundary.

if only we could harness the super-awesome power of dance, we'd be able to solve all our problems. imagine a world with no disease, hunger, terrorism and a limitless supply of gummi bears. awesome !! so whenever life seems to be bearing down on you, break out that leotard and just dance !

Candy Makes Me Happy

ok so im tired of every other person coming up to me and whining about their life and problems. im sick hearing how any person who doesnt accept your friend request on facebook is stupid or gay and how everything just blows. i realise that at times things dont go your way and that life can just be a bitch. but lack of new friends to stalk on facebook or speeding fines are hardly anything to complain about. i mean if you come off as a creep on social networking websites or if you drive like lindsay lohan jacked up on cocaine, then its really you whose at fault. if you really wanna throw a tantrum about something, make sure its something any of fucking relevance, like samuel l jackson !

personally, my secret to happiness is candy. any kind will do. hand me a jumbo pack of m&m's and good for the next hour or so. it has also been pointed out to me that at times i bitch and moan about random things, so ive decided to lead by example. yes, its true, im going to enjoy all the crapiness in the world. and just to prove it, heres a list of a few things that will make me happy:

celebrity gossip (magazines): ofcourse i want to know which of the jonas brothers' is gay ? and i certainly want to know which celebrity has shaved off his/her head after coming off a 4 day bender.

brown bread: its healthy and tastes just like dry grass. AWESOME !!

energy drinks: pssht ! whats one more thing to remind me that i need help in getting the basic daily tasks done.

dane cook: anyone whose comedy routine involves going on about how women lie while drinking kool-aid is amazing. period.

twilight: a vampire movie with no sex and violence ? sign me up for the sequel !

orange popsicles: one word- YUMMERS !

coldplay: so what all their songs sound the same? why waste time listening to the entire album, when just one song will do. thats time management at its peak. abso-fucking-lutely genius !!

modern day pirates: sure they might not use cutlasses and sing and make merry late into the night, but they sure try hard. and thts all that matters, damnit !

samuel l jackson: all he wants to know if how those motherfucking snakes got on the plane and how to kill them. give the guy a break !

nicolas cage: im glad he has taken all this acting ability and focused on making one movie for the rest of his career. the type where hes in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, hes on his own and no one believes him and a bunch of explosions happen. thats brilliant ! who wants to go to the movies and waste brain cells trying to figure out complicated movie plots ? not me !

american idol: all those kids want to do is sing their hearts out, and make simon happy. come on !

ok, who the fuck am i kidding here ? all the above suck harder than a hooker working the las vegas strip ! now, wheres that pack of m&m's ?

Why Cant Bad Be Good ?

ok so howcome everything is harmful to you these days ? tv, food, videogames, drugs, sex- anything fun that is. just the other night they were having this discussion on the radio about bacteria that can and do get onto your phone and how that can fuck your ear up. wtf ?!! its like the only thing you can do without having to worry about dying is going outside and sitting in a field or something. but then again, with the whole ozone layer depletion and green-house gas scenario, sitting outdoors would kill you too. what the heck..i say live fast and die young. that way you'll atleast leave a good looking corpse behind.


and what about all this talk banning the use of ipods and other mp3 players while on the street (well atleast in the west) because they make you less observant to the world and tend to make you more anti-social. and all this after some woman got hit by a bus while crossing the road with her ipod on. im sorry, but if you cant see a big red bus coming towards you, then youre just plain stupid. i mean, isnt the whole point of an mp3 player to get lost in your own world of music ? to block out the outside world and to have some time to yourself. ok, also to pretend not to notice annoying friends. hmm ok maybe it does make a tad anti-social. but who cares !

basically what im getting at is howcome i cant try something without having to face any life threatening consequences. like what if i want to try ecstasy ? it sure looks like fun in the movies. and so what if i end up grooving to techno music, waving a glowstick around for 12 hours..thats just the icing on the cake ! but do i really have to worry about convulsions, seizures and eventually dying in pool of my own sweat and piss ?

or how about just having sex all day long ? it sure looks like fun (or so i would think) and its a great way to burn off calories while staying indoors. 'oh honey, i shouldnt have had that last piece of cake. its gonna go straight to my ass''dont worry baby. i help you burn it off ' uh-uh !

so why cant i just have plain, meaningless sex, without having to worry about mini-me turning all purple and bloated and eventually falling off ?


and ive noticed that its not just things that are bad for you, but people as well. no one tells you to stay away from the person who teaches high school mathematics and also volunteers at the local animal shelter. no, its always the fun people youre to stay away from.
like just before leaving for college, my parents asked me to stay from sex, drugs and druggies..the usual spheel every adolescent kid gets to hear before heading off to college. ok so i didnt smoke pot. but occasionally i hung around people who did. now how could i not hang out with those guys ? they always had great snack ideas. and if youre low on cash, its a good group to hang out with for a free meal. i mean if all your friends are stoned, just start talking about cheese pizzas, double whoppers and ice cream sundaes. you'll soon be on your way to snack heaven !! sure, most of those guys failed all their courses, got kicked out of university and ended up with jobs handing out promotional fliers. but thats besids the point.


why cant snorting lines of cocain in the washroom of a club be considered a 'healthy lifestyle' ? similarly why cant having oatmeal bread (which tastes like dried crap) give you nasty stomach ulcers ?
i love eating cookies. why cant i eat a dozen cookies straight for a week and end up with 6-pack abs ?
i fricking hate spinach. thats as tasty as licking a bottle of iodine (fuck you popeye !). why cant spinach be bad for me ?

this is all thanks to the information age, where you can look up almost anything on google. we need to lay off all this technology and go back to being ignorant. afterall, isnt ignorance bliss ? isnt that how people lived before bill gates came along with his fancy personal computer ?
just take a look at the 18th and early 19th century. smoking was not only considered cool, but it also helped with your digestion. drinking alcohol at all times of the day was the norm. hell even drinking and driving was socially acceptable. and you could hump almost anything with legs. the only thing youd have to worry about was the black death. but we all have to die one day, so why not go with a bang ?!!

Play Time

what's wrong with kids these days ? they never want to get out of the house and part-take in some physical activity. and im not talking about the nasty kind. back in my time, we were happy just being out of the house. but then again, the 80's were a completely different time. the streets were safer and you could play just about anywhere you wanted. pepsi was a buck a bottle and every kid had a superhero action figure stuffed in his back pocket. If you forget the rigidly enforced social rules, the racism, bad haircuts and constant threat of nuclear annihilation, the early 80's were a pretty sweet time to be a kid. hell, even micheal jackson hadnt gone all wacko !

anywho, getting back on track, kids these days, they have it so easy. with their interweb, fancy cellphones, guitar hero, and free access to porn. no wonder them kids have gone soft.

searching online for spiderman action figures, here are some out-of-the-ordinary ones i came across. pro-woman ? ridonculous ? age appropriate ? you decide. and yes, spiderman is awesome !


1. bling bling bikini spa- barbie is back, and shes ready for the spa. now i havent tried this toy out, but doesnt it seem more fun than a barrel of monkeys ? just fill the toy tub with water, put the doll in and kick back and watch while she hangs out at the coolest spa in town ! yeah, now thats fun !

2. crack ho barbie and pimp daddy ken- what better way to instill good moral values into your kid than by getting her the crack ho barbie. with the likes of paris hilton, nicole richie and lindsay lohan being teen role models, i guess you really cant blame mattel for coming out with a barbie line to interest the future skanks of the world.

3. teen pregnancy barbie- after the crack ho barbie, this one seems to be the obvious choice. oh and the doll comes with a feeding bottle, a cellphone, fake cash and trendy diaper bag.

4. peekaboo pole dancing kit- equipped with with a pole extendible upto around 8ft, an instructional book, fake money and a garter belt, the kit has everything to allow you to unleash the sex kitten inside. so now girls can play practice their pole dancing moves when they are 12. by 14 theyre on facebook, dancing in their undies. and by 16 theyre well on their way to becoming a vegas call-girl. oh well i guess theres no harm in starting young..

A Brief Respite...

prologue: its hard coming up with random annoying things

it was a chilly night. the air was crisp, laden with moisture, typical of a normal winter night. there she waited, a blank stare across her face, her eyes fixed on a spot of mud across the floor. somewhere in the distance a police siren wailed, pulling her out of her trance. she looked around nervously, half expecting to see a familiar face in the crowd. she saw no one. just empty faces scurrying about with their mundane routines. she drew in a welcomed breath of air. they would be looking for her. coming for her soon. with that sense of urgency, she felt a sudden surge of adrenaline shoot through her veins. a surge that would eventually climax to that familiar high.

she used to be strong. but during the days of late, she found herself falling a slave to these cravings. these dark, forbidden urges. would they understand ? they would have to. but she didnt care anymore. inching closer, she felt her chest constrict. her breathing quickened. not the time to panic, she murmured under her breath.

she felt crippled as she found herself giving in to her dark desires. but then again she had always known how the night was going to play out, with only one remaining at the end. she had finally accepted what she was. a sea of calm washed over her. she smiled.

as her grip on the knife tightened, she drew in deeper breaths of air. she had to steady her wavering hand, she told herself. she had only one chance and she knew it. as the knife plunged in, she let out a sigh of relief. it was over. she had to have a taste she told herself, her eyes darting around the room.

the knife once again went to work, feverishly cutting tiny morsels. this was second nature to her now. nervously, she drew in another deep breath. she closed her eyes, anticipating that first taste. she let it sit on her tongue for a while. savouring the flavour, letting it all sink in. as she finally swallowed, she found herself saying out aloud, 'damn, thats some good chocolate fudge cake!!'

Ive LOST My Sanity

sometimes in life you just have to go with it. it might be eating a nice big plate of bull testicles when in china, or maybe it’s making out with a fat chick so that your buddy can score with her hot friend, or maybe it’s just turning off your brain and enjoying abc's lost. for thats exactly wht you need to do, turn your brain off, if you want to get through the show.

for those not aware of the show, it follows the lives of a bunch of people stranded on a tropical island. ok so the plot seems pretty interesting. and with a bunch of people trapped on an island, you'd certainly expect them hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, like bunnies. or so i'd hoped. but if you thought not having crazy orgies by beach was weird, wait till the polar bear shows up. yes, a polar bear on a TROPICAL island! what the fuck, right??!

and what about that crazy cloud of black smoke that tore mr.eko from limb to limb..where it did come from, where did it go (where did it come from cotton-eye joe) (8)...well i know where it went: right into m.night shyamalan's 'the happening'.

and dont even get me started on all the flash-backs and the flash-forwards. or on the fact that after whining for 5 seasons about wanting to get off the island and successfully doing so, the lead characters now just want to go back. sheesh, i haven’t been so confused about a story since i watched that tourette’s syndrome film about the stuttering albanian donkey that juggles fish.

now i could go on about the shortcomings of the show (like how the entire island is now moving back and forth through time..), but i thought it would be easier if i just listed a few idiosyncrasies of some of the lead characters. a character guidebook, if you may..

john locke: 'i used to be a paraplegic, but now i can run, jump and dance. ive been shot multiple times in the stomach, the gut, the leg, stabbed a few times here and there, fallen of trees and even a cliff but i just wont die. im the real jack baur. oh yeah!'

ben linus: ' im just doing what jacob wants me to do! '
' pull that lever, john. thats what jacob wants you to do! '
' where are you going? thats not what jacob asked you to do! '
' jacob! jacob! jacob! '

jack: ' im not your leader. i dont want to be the leader. i never asked to be the leader. now you,
go get some dry wood for the fire. you, go get some fish. you, see if you can kill a boar. i'll
just sit here and mentally molest kate, all the while giving sawyer the evil eye. '

sawyer: ' are you guys gonna look for food? ok, lemme take my shirt off! '
' hey! why am i tied up in this cage? fine, i'll just take my shirt off! '
' i say we attack the 'others' now. lemme just take my shirt off! '
' blah blah blah..lemme just take my shirt off! '

kate: ' ooo jack looks so hot. lemme make out with him a bit. '
' is that sawyer with his shirt off? lemme go and make out with him. '
' jack just saved that guys life. i think i'll go make out with him. '
' oh sawyer is acting like such a jackass. i think i'll go make out with him. '

sayid: ' my name is sayid jarrah, and i am a torturer. '

desmond: ' hello, brotha! '
' you alright, brotha!? '
' i have to flip that switch 500 times in 110 seconds, brotha! '
' you're gonna die, brotha! '
' brotha! '

p.s. its good to be back!

Playing Second Fiddle

judging by the success of superhero movies in 2008, its a fair assumption saying that the comic book genre has now become hollywood's safest bets. i mean iron man, the hulk and dark knight all did pretty well at the box office. and with the looming economic crisis looking to stick around for a while, like those annoying out of town relatives who always drop in during the holidays, hollywood is definitely looking to play it safe.

so i guess the era of superheroes frolicking around in spandex suits is upon us. oh and speaking of spandex suits and rubber nipples, there are rumors about the next batman movie being in production with catwoman and riddler being outlined as possible villians.

but what really peeves me is how there is no chatter about the inclusion of robin. i mean, come on ! without robin, batman is just the dynamic uno. a depressed, middle-aged man who lurks in the shadows at night wearing tights. pretty stalker-like behaviour if you ask me. with robin around, atleast two is company.

now why robin didnt get a comic of his own from the start, i dont get. he was probably introduced so kids would have someone to identify with. and this is not at all a strange concept. im sure there are alot of kids who fantasize about playing chewbacca, or any other sidekick for that matter, rather than the lead character. then again, these are probably the very same kids who eat paint chippings off the jungle jim. you would have to be as dumb as a box of rocks to pick robin over batman.

and that just brings me back to my original question: why introduce robin as batman's sidekick ? what exactly is robin to batman ? he is just the sidekick ? or is he more ? perhaps the partner, the lover, the servant, the houseboy... ?


or maybe robin was simply brought in to offer kids the hope that if your parents were tragically murdered, one day batman just might let you too fight criminally deranged villians well after midnight.

Fashion Fabulous

introducing the latest in fashion headware- 'the brown'. already generating massive buzz throughout the fashion industry, the brown is for the head what the kifaya has become for the neck. a definite must have for anyone looking to climb the social ladder.

the brown comes in the ever popular colour of, yes you guessed it, brown. so not only will it go with anything youve got on, but will also act as a natural camouflage if and when the need arises.

the brown has been clinically proved to be upto 65% air tight. that means it protects your skin from the harmful effects of uv radiation, keeping your face looking young and fresh. like yesterdays leftovers.

the latest in interwoven cellulose technology also allows the brown to be waterproof, making it perfect for those trips to the beach.

keeping your privacy in mind, the brown has been designed with 0% visuality- no one can see your face nor can you see theirs for that matter. so you now never again have to worry about running into that annoying relative or the friend whom you owe money.

tired spending hours stuck in traffic, listening to the same songs on the radio ? put the brown on while on the road and make those commutes alot more interesting.

and because the brown comes in a very convinient setting of one-size-fits-all, you spend less time finding one that fits your head and more time on the road looking good. so go out and your very own personal brown today.

Indiana Jones And The...Oh Fuck It !

needing to desperately tear away from the books, i decided to put on the latest indy jones movie, kingdom of the crystal skull. and what a disappointment that turned out to be. its been 20 odd years since we last saw indy in the last crusade. and since then all indy's managed to do is go from fighting the nazis to fighting the russians. wow, talk about story development !

with harrison ford being well into his 60's shouldnt the only thing hes fighting be arthritis and high blood pressure ?

anywho, back to the movie plot. but wait a tick, theres not much there to go. i guess thats why george lucas thought he could get away with stealing scenes from the previous indy movies. it honestly makes you feel like youre at a paper recycling plant.

ok so, like every other indy movie, theres talk about an ancient temple hidden somewhere deep in a jungle. now thats doesnt sound too bad, you say.

alright then, theres the crystal skull. sounds menacing enough. yeah but thats about all the skull does. sound menacing. now you'd expect the skull to have some deadly power like setting everyones head on fire or melting the skin of their genitalia. well the only thing special about that damn skull is that its highly magnetic.
what the fuck ?!! thats as scary as a bowl of oatmeal.

i would have been happy if they atleast tried to make the skull look scary. no luck there either for all it looks like is some cheap plastic halloween decoration.

but its the next bit that left me as confused as a hungry baby at a topless bar. the whole plot is tied together by dead aliens. yes, aliens ! what is this, national treasure meets e.t. ?

from the looks of it all, george lucas thought that tossing in some half-assed action sequences every now and then would distract you long enough to stop you from thinking. well yeah that would have worked if only theyd used some new material.

does indy risk life and limb getting something out of a temple only to find jack booted bad guys waiting at the exit for him so that they can take his prize?
yeps. just like in the last 3 movies.

hungry cannibal chase scenes ?
oh yeah ! afterall what indy movie is complete without cannibals ?

how about a fight scene on a convoy of moving trucks full of enemy soliders ? surely thats not been done before...
yeah it hasnt, only if you havent seen the earlier indys.

now surely they wouldnt dare recycle in the part at the end where some idiot accidently triggers some artifact only to have himself and the other baddies obliterated. but only once indy and his posse get out spot-free...
umm yeah thats there too.

fuck !

watching this movie is like having sex with your girlfriend on the hood of your wife's car while your wife is honking the horn- sounds pretty damn exciting (well atleast title wise), but not much fun.

with star wars episode I and II and now kingdom of the crystal skull, its safe to say that george lucas is no stranger when it comes to disappointing fans with bringing back long-dormant franchises.

boy, this is a long one.