Fashion Fabulous

introducing the latest in fashion headware- 'the brown'. already generating massive buzz throughout the fashion industry, the brown is for the head what the kifaya has become for the neck. a definite must have for anyone looking to climb the social ladder.

the brown comes in the ever popular colour of, yes you guessed it, brown. so not only will it go with anything youve got on, but will also act as a natural camouflage if and when the need arises.

the brown has been clinically proved to be upto 65% air tight. that means it protects your skin from the harmful effects of uv radiation, keeping your face looking young and fresh. like yesterdays leftovers.

the latest in interwoven cellulose technology also allows the brown to be waterproof, making it perfect for those trips to the beach.

keeping your privacy in mind, the brown has been designed with 0% visuality- no one can see your face nor can you see theirs for that matter. so you now never again have to worry about running into that annoying relative or the friend whom you owe money.

tired spending hours stuck in traffic, listening to the same songs on the radio ? put the brown on while on the road and make those commutes alot more interesting.

and because the brown comes in a very convinient setting of one-size-fits-all, you spend less time finding one that fits your head and more time on the road looking good. so go out and your very own personal brown today.

Indiana Jones And The...Oh Fuck It !

needing to desperately tear away from the books, i decided to put on the latest indy jones movie, kingdom of the crystal skull. and what a disappointment that turned out to be. its been 20 odd years since we last saw indy in the last crusade. and since then all indy's managed to do is go from fighting the nazis to fighting the russians. wow, talk about story development !

with harrison ford being well into his 60's shouldnt the only thing hes fighting be arthritis and high blood pressure ?

anywho, back to the movie plot. but wait a tick, theres not much there to go. i guess thats why george lucas thought he could get away with stealing scenes from the previous indy movies. it honestly makes you feel like youre at a paper recycling plant.

ok so, like every other indy movie, theres talk about an ancient temple hidden somewhere deep in a jungle. now thats doesnt sound too bad, you say.

alright then, theres the crystal skull. sounds menacing enough. yeah but thats about all the skull does. sound menacing. now you'd expect the skull to have some deadly power like setting everyones head on fire or melting the skin of their genitalia. well the only thing special about that damn skull is that its highly magnetic.
what the fuck ?!! thats as scary as a bowl of oatmeal.

i would have been happy if they atleast tried to make the skull look scary. no luck there either for all it looks like is some cheap plastic halloween decoration.

but its the next bit that left me as confused as a hungry baby at a topless bar. the whole plot is tied together by dead aliens. yes, aliens ! what is this, national treasure meets e.t. ?

from the looks of it all, george lucas thought that tossing in some half-assed action sequences every now and then would distract you long enough to stop you from thinking. well yeah that would have worked if only theyd used some new material.

does indy risk life and limb getting something out of a temple only to find jack booted bad guys waiting at the exit for him so that they can take his prize?
yeps. just like in the last 3 movies.

hungry cannibal chase scenes ?
oh yeah ! afterall what indy movie is complete without cannibals ?

how about a fight scene on a convoy of moving trucks full of enemy soliders ? surely thats not been done before...
yeah it hasnt, only if you havent seen the earlier indys.

now surely they wouldnt dare recycle in the part at the end where some idiot accidently triggers some artifact only to have himself and the other baddies obliterated. but only once indy and his posse get out spot-free...
umm yeah thats there too.

fuck !

watching this movie is like having sex with your girlfriend on the hood of your wife's car while your wife is honking the horn- sounds pretty damn exciting (well atleast title wise), but not much fun.

with star wars episode I and II and now kingdom of the crystal skull, its safe to say that george lucas is no stranger when it comes to disappointing fans with bringing back long-dormant franchises.

boy, this is a long one.

Hold The Garlic, Hold The Cheese

when did garlic breads go from baguettes with melted mozzarella to just slices of bread with some garlic sprayed on ?!!

and having to pay extra for cheese ? what the fuck ??! thats as wrong as samuel l. jackson getting lead roles movie after movie !

fuck you, pizza hut !

Hi, My Name Is Phylocode Scooby-Snacks

i fricking hate dumb people. like those who follow scientology. this could be an entire rant by itself, so i'll just leave it at that for now. im not a fan of dumb celebrities either. and there are plenty of them who are a few clowns short of a full circus.

there's rob schneider, for instance. following mel gibson's anti-semantic remarks during his arrest for a dui charge, schneider pledged, in a full page ad in the daily variey, never to work with gibson.

now schneider has done many quality movies like the animal, the hot chick, grandma`s boy etc. but i doubt he was ever going to be cast as gibson's sidekick in lethal weapons 5 in the first place. or that we might get to see gibson in deuce bigalow 3. well schneider can rest easy and go back to playing roles he does best: the sex starved man-child, with a hint of retard.

idiot.

and while im on the topic of dumb celebrities, i fail to understand why so many are bent on giving their kids these weird names. blue angel, pilot inspektor, jermajesty to name a few.
these names are an open invitation for an ass kicking. high school is bad as it is. someone should really take such parents out back and beat them about the head and ass area.

the only reason i can come up with for such names is wanting something that will entertain you for the rest of your life. picture laying on your deathbed. friends and family alike waiting for you to pass on, so that they can split up all your assets. all hopes are gone. and then in walks your daughter, she-ra and your son, cobra commander. you'd die with a smile.

The Un-Happening

the happening is m.night shyamalan's latest venture into the disaster film genre. a plot that hints the possibility of a biochemical attack on US soil, alongwith the casting of mark wahlberg, the movie seemed to offer some potential. i happened to watch it last night and i must say that, after the very first 1o minutes, the movie goes down like a cheap $10 hooker.


now im a fan of thillers/disaster movies, especially the type where you have people dying left and right for no apparent reason. but if youre going to be killing off the cast, atleast make sure its something out of the ordinary. like the godzilla-t.rex hybrid from cloverfield or even a couple hundred snakes on a plane. but a psychotic, wisp of smoke that only picks on large groups of people ? what the fuck is up with that ?!! i mean a puff of killer smoke is as interesting as pigeon crap on a car windshield.


throughout the movie, there is no sense of dread, panic or urgency. and with almost halfway into the movie, the only thing that really happens is you wanting to tear off your left arm and beat yourself senseless with it. i know had that very urge. the new saw installment, saw v, is marginally better than the happening. though that's like saying suffocation is mildly more amusing than drowning.


with signs, unbreakable, the village and now the happening, its obvious that m.night shyamalan has nothing to say. but he's going to keep on saying until people make him stop.

Psshh, Walking's For The Weak

air travel is horrible. enclosed in an airtight tube with cramped seating, terrible food and a bunch of other people sucking up with your oxygen. however, the upside of travelling atleast for me is having to go on those moving walkways. i just love zipping past other travellers, especially those lugging their suitcases alongside the walkways. eat my dust, bitches !

but my joy is always short-lived as sooner or later i end up getting stuck behind a couple of botards who just stand there, blocking the entire walkway. one would think that after a flight of rigorously sitting on your ass and wolfing down those tiny buns, you'd want to your ass to walk off some of that numbness (not the sodomy kind though). perhaps even hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. you know, get that blood flowing through all your extremities. but with the number of douches who seem content with simply standing on the walkways on the rise with every trip i make, i guess im the only one who thinks this way.

only two days back i saw this jack of an ass dump her bags on the walkway and then casually walk alongside it, instead of on it. this one gets top marks for coming up with a whole new level of lazy.

If Sammy Could Speak

Lately theres been alot of hullaballoo over freeing Sammy the Shark, from newspaper campaigns to statements from the interior ministry. even peta is now advocating for the shark's release. Frankly, until now I didnt really care much for sammy. but since my inbox has been flooded with facebook invites to 'free sammy the shark' groups, ive decided this nonsense has gone long enough.

firstly such groups on facebook are as useful as a third tit on a pitbull. i mean if they accomplished anything, i would have long since joined a group on the lynching of samuel l.jackson. and jon voight too. *sigh.

why anyone would want sammy freed, i know not. i know sharks are endangered and all. but, so what ? life seems to be going on perfectly without dinosaurs and dodos. there are the odd one or two child molestations by roman priests every now and then. but i doubt the two are related.

am i the only one who remembers jaws ? beaches and pools are a different story, that series had me scared shitless enough to even stop taking bubble baths. and yes, i took bubble baths as a kid. or perhaps i grew enough sense to realise that wallowing in a pool of my own filth wasnt really the way to go. either way id like to think that 10ft great whites had some role to play.

well thats my two cent on the matter. i wonder what sammy would say if he could speak. then again if he could talk, they would never let him out. anywho this is what i think he would say:

set me free, sweet human being
under the deep blue sea we shall swim
there'll be no sorrow, there'll be no pain
feelings of joy will fill your brain

set me free, oh mortal
we shall swim together to heaven's portal
leave your fears ashore, leave them behind
forget the troubles of your kind

swim with me, yes stay within my sight
now hold still, its no good to fight
i'll bite off your leg and leave you dying
didnt you realise all this while i could be lying ?

in short, that Free Willy shit doesnt happen in real life !

Chicken Humor

riddled with insect bites that would put hickeys to shame, im not really in the mood to work on a new post. so i thought id just recycle some material already circulating interweb. i did have to cut the original piece down. you can catch the whole thing at http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick2.htm

why did the chicken cross the road ??

plato: for the greater good.

aristotle: to fulfill its nature on the other side

karl marx: it was a historical inevitability

hippocrates: because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas

albert einstein: whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference

aristotle: to actualise its potential

budda: if you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature

darwin: it was the logical next step after coming down from the trees

nietzsche: because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you

ralph waldo emerson: it didnt cross the road, it transcended it

oliver north: national security was at stake

emily dickenson: because it could not stop for death

ernset hemingway: to die. in the rain

saddam hussein: this was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

jack nicholson: 'cause it fucking wanted to. thats the fucking reason

and to end with my own personal spin:
asif zardari: that chicken is very gorgeous. can i hug her ?

Theatrical Treats

Cinema snacks- theres much to be said about them. first of all, i'd like to bitchslap the muppet who thought it was a smart idea to sell nachos at the movies. bitchslap him all the way to mexico that is. if wailing babies and cellphones with amr diab ringtones werent enough to drown out the dialogues, the loud crunch of a nachooo will surely do the trick.

and whats the deal with selling pancakes at the snack bar ? i have nothing against pancakes. i personally think they are flat, circular cakes of magical goodness. but selling them at the movies is like hugh hefner dating 20 yr old bunnies- the two just dont go together !

lastly coming to popcorn. now i can tolerate that lone rouge kernel that always seems to get stuck in your teeth. but popcorn leaving your hands feeling greasy and smelling buttery, now thats what drives me crazy. now i could go and wash my hands, but i dont. i just dont. so that just leaves the option of nonchalantly wiping my hands off my neighbors seat- a tricky task indeed, but you get the hang of it after a few tries.

so ladies, if we are at the movies and you feel my hands snaking around your seat, thats just me wiping the popcorn juices off my hand rather than trying to cup a feel. but then again seeing as how i dont order popcorn anymore, its more likely to be the latter case.

Simply Craving A Ride...

alright so what is it with elevators that drives people to a whole new level of retardation ?
to start with, why press the call button numerous times ? thats just like shooting a dead goat again and again. its not like the fifth headshot is going to kill it all over again.

and what the fuck is up with those who hold the elevator and then call out to their posse by name ? this isnt the line to an amusement park ride for them to hold places. are they worried their friends dont have the mental development to operate an elevator ?

and then there is my favourite type of jackass- those who enter the elevator when people already INSIDE havent left yet. that just makes me want to go to town on them, much like a one-legged man at an ass kicking contest. jeez, can there be any bigger tools ?!

but then again i guess i shouldnt berate them too much for simply wanting to go up and down a vertical shaft....

Planetary Debacles: To be, or not to be..a planet ?

i was out with some friends recently and somehow the conversation steered towards how pluto was no longer considered a planet anymore. personally, i couldnt care less about the fact that when i was a kid, pluto used to be a planet. but i always do seem to find it amusing how attached people still are to pluto. and i can never seem to understand why. maybe its because theyve entered the adult life now and its no longer socially acceptable to lament over mickey's retarded pet dog. and so theyve decided to take up the case of a useless, frozen rock. i would think the dog and the rock having the same name makes the transition easier. who knows ?

now if they felt so strongly about Ur.anus (sic) , that would be a completely different story (thanks, no.3 :P)

anywho, now im no interstellar expert, or even a time traveller for that matter(*sigh*), but maybe pluto circumnavigates the sun in a weird way, like a wounded bumblebee whose got its bearings all jacked up. or perhaps it would be the first one to melt into a puddle of mud and pebbles if it got too warm. or maybe its just not inclined to be a planet. all valid reasons, mind you, for ostracizing it from the intergalactic plantary body.
but dont count it out just because its smaller than the others. being built SLIGHTLY closer to the ground myself (and thats only for speed and agility), i do take a certain level of offence to that. i mean if midgets can be said to be real people or if chihuahuas still get to be dogs, why cant pluto be a still be planet ? talk about double standards, eh ?

Culinary Conundrums

seeing how people generally tend to pig out during this part of year, i thought it would be only fitting if this post revolved around a more culinary theme. however this post will be short and (hopefully) sweet. trying to strike an intricate balance between play and pray has squeezed my mind grapes down to the size of dehydrated raisins.


as i mentioned earlier, eating out has become a preferred mode of activity. hell, anything that beats doing the dishes has my vote. anywho, one thing that really grinds my gears is when a friend keeps stealing food off your plate over and over again(you all know who you are, all 4 of you). what the fuck is up with that ??

now dont get me wrong, im courteous enough to offer a taste of my food if someone is keen on appetizing it. especially if you're someone whose a fan of delicious flavour. but that doesnt mean that you keep coming back for more. and even if youre going to steal my food, dont do it with the words 'sharing is caring', accompanied with a retarded grin on your face. for fuck's sake, im not that kool-aid guy, offering free samples of my stuff. what buffet blimps !!


but if you're insistent in swiping off my food (or anyone else's for that matter), all i ask is you try to be a little innovative in the approach. you could try distracting me by tossing a 100 dhs bill over my shoulder and lunging for the tasties while my back is turned. a little tasteful cleavage can also work wonders. in short, i welcome all jestures monetary and/or sexual in nature.

Veggie Matter

now another thing that has been on my mind lately are vegetarians. now i know that for alot of people being a vegetarian is a religious obligation, and i respect that completely. i know for some people being a vegetarian is part of a healthy life style, and i'm on board with that too. but dont tell me that you are a vegetarian because you cannot bear the suffering of innocent animals go through while being slaughtered. yes it is very comforting to know that all the HUMAN suffering in the world currently, some people are more bothered about animals. but then again some people are more into animals. i guess thats how the whole beastiality obsession started.


but i recently read an article in a magazine where the reader mentioned helping out the environment as the reason for being a vegetarian. now thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard, and believe me i have heard alot of dumb things such as the human testes being at a temperature of 5 degrees. but thats another story.


lets see if i can break this down logically: global warming due to CO2 buidup in the atmosphere. plants/vegetation absorb CO2, thus reducing its buildup in the atmosphere. so eating those very plants is supposed to save the environment ? how ??? what a dumbass !!!
with all this talk about going green and being eco-friendly lately, i think alot of people are opting towards the veggies is because it seems to be the fashionable thing to do. and if you want to eat a plant because its the hip thing to do these days, go ahead. but dont give me this crap about how switching to vegetables is going to save the planet. ive known myopic chihuahuas with more sense.


Now im sure everyone knows that methane is a major greenhouse gas. Livestock animals naturally produce methane as part of their digestive process, belching it while chewing cud and excreting it in their waste. According to the USDA, about 15-20% of the global methane emissions come from livestock and the u.s. livestock itself produces 61 million tons of waste each year. now thats alot of methane !!

so if you really did want to save the planet, wouldnt it make more sense to go eat a cow ?
so next time you get an upsized meal from McDonalds with a large box of fries and a large DIET coke, do make sure it's a beef burger and not a veggie !!


oh and heres a link to that article responsible for this rant: http://www.khaleejtimes.com/DisplayArticleNew.asp?section=weekend&xfile=data/weekend/2008/august/weekend_august31.xml

Restaurant Loungers

Before I start, a slight digression. I hate people who call your cell only to get the voice mail and then don’t leave a message. At times when I’m busy, I’ll just let my phone go to voice mail. Instead of calling me 10 times within a span of 3-4 minutes, just leave a message and I’ll call you back when I’m free. What dipshits ! The only thing worse than not leaving a message is giving deliberate, multiple ‘missed’ calls just to get the other person to call you (back). If you want to talk to me so bad, then go buy some credit, you cheapskates!


Anywho, since I talked about eating out the last time, I thought I would continue on that front. One thing I have started to note quite a lot lately is how people tend to stick around at restaurants. I mean, you’ve had your meal, settled the bill, talked about everything there is to talk about including the weather and the traffic. What more are you waiting for ?? Personally I think a very good sign to leave is when the conversation moves onto the weather and/or the traffic. But then again since I've had more than my fair share of conversations that strayed in that direction, I’m guessing that I’m the only one who feels this way. What’s worse is when the talk moves into the reasons for the horrid weather such as increase in the number of cars, fuel emission, etc. The last time I checked, you were in the Middle East. Even on a pleasant day, it’s still going to be 40 degrees. Just come to terms with and move on with your life !! Seriously !

As for those who wait around at the restaurants, I think the restaurant management should just come to their tables and start playing a recording of that song they play at the Oscars when someone’s acceptance speech runs long.


With all these hold-ups you come across on a daily basis (waiting in traffic, waiting at hospitals, waiting to get test dates for your driver’s license), it’s almost like waiting around has become the fashionable thing to do. And why not ? If wearing sunglasses while indoors and wearing toques with it being 45 degrees outside (don’t forget the beads of sweat streaming down your forehead. Oh yeah, that’s sexy !!) can be considered fashionable, then why can’t the same be said for just loitering ? Hmmm…

Fast Food Fools

One thing ive noticed is that people really seem to like going out to eat in Dubai. The
foodcourts at the malls are always full. what pisses me off are people in restaurant queues who only start to decide what they want once they get to the counter. On top of that, they then waste more time by asking the attendant about the different combos available. is it so bloody impossible to simply raise your head by 20-30 degrees and look up at the board, where all the meal options available are listed. Hell, they even have pictures of the food if reading is too hard ! What tools !!

But what really makes me want to drop-kick the person in the head is when they order diet soft
drinks with upsized meals. If you want to do something wrong, then do it fucking right ! What the fuck is up with ordering diet cokes ??!
Dont tell me its because you like diet coke. No sane person likes diet coke !
Dont tell me it helps the digestion process. If you need help digesting your food,
don't fucking eat so much in the first place !
Don't tell me all that sugar in normal soft drinks is not good for you. yeah, after having a double whopper and a large box of fries, you should be more worried about all those blocked arteries rather than the carbs from a soft drink.
And if you are worried about carbs, have some freakingorange juice. almost all restaurants have fresh juices as alternates to soft drinks. my personal favourites, disco 2009 and al-burj.

well I guess that brings me to the end of this week's rant. If you guys have any thoughts, do
leave a comment. And if know of or have tried any juices/drinks with weird names, do write those down too. i have always wondered what such drinks for made of.