Heist !

ok so who doesnt love a good heist movie. youve usually got fast car chase scenes, a couple of good fist fights and a cute chick. so which guy wouldnt love a heist movie ? even dane cook, who usually goes on about retarded things like how he would name his first born "ffrrrrrrr" (wtf ?), accepts that he would love nothing more than to be part of a heist.

maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.

anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.

i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.

i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.

i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.

i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).

Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.

i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.

i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?

i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.

who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.

Hey, Look At Me ! Ima Douche !

ok so cell phones have officially replaced sports cars as the 'hey, look at me !' item, especially for guys. i'll admit its way cheaper to buy the blackberry storm than a ferrari, but they both pretty much mean the same thing- youre a douche ! and more the functions your cell phone has, the bigger the douche you are. lets see..:

pda: ok so this has got to be one of the most useless options available on a phone and is used by guys who think they are players. well if you were really a player, you would have an actual human assistant, not a digital one !

gps: you being lost in the first place only confirms you being a douche !

built-in games: theres no pride in gloating abt the 2 games pre-programmed into your cell phone. the fact that you cant shell out for a psp and have to rely crap like tetris to entertain yourself just proves youre a grade-a douche.

voice recognition dialing: i have yet to see a voice recognition dialing system that dials the correct contact on the first attempt. and belieive me, nothing screams out 'douce alert !' louder than a person yelling in public at his phone 'call maria, not saira..i said to call maria !!!' (true story..)

having all these functions on your cell phone is just like fitting your old nissan sunny with spoilers, side skirts and neon lights. and using all these features in public is just like walking around in a mall wearing sweat bands on your wrists, a toque and sunglasses, with your pants resting gingerly on your ass-crack, showing the world just how big of a douche you really are.

Just Dance !

ok so i dont know if its just me, but dancing really seems to be in these days. you've got 'dance-reality' shows on tv like so you think you can dance and dancing with the stars, and these shows always rake in huge ratings. even on 'talent-reality' shows, dance acts seem to do really well with the audience and judges alike. so that has got me thinking about the power of dance and maybe its something that i need to embrace wholeheartedly, seeing as how already i am all dance and no belly.

letting these thoughts molest my mind for a bit, i am now convinced that all the problems and troubles in the world will go away if i just dance. my problems, not yours mind you. afterall isnt that how it is in the movies ? and hollywood certainly wouldnt lie to us like that, with all those movies being based on REAL life stories. for all you skeptics out there, i took the liberty of researching the validity of my claim about the link between dancing and problems. heres what i found :

dirty dancing: dancing helps a rich, daddy's girl and a camp dance instructor get out of an illegal abortion scenario, escape burglary charges and end up together in the end, despite their vastly differing backgrounds.

you got served: after getting served (as the title rightly suggests), dancing helps two best friends get back together after a rift, get over the drive-by death of one of their friends, win $50,000, get the opportunity to star in a lil kim video and serve the dance crew who initially served them. oh and one of the leads also ends up with his best friends sister. wow, now thats gotta be one of a dance !

step up: dancing brings a troublemaking street dancer and a privileged modern dancer together to perform a routine that could change their lives for the better. dancing also helps the guy get the girl in the end.

and lets not forget zoolander, where breakdance-fighting helps prevent the assassination of the prime-rib of micronesia.

all this just tells me that there is no problem that dance cant fix. got a final tomorrow that you havent studied for ? no problem. just dance in front of your class and see your professor give you an A. about to lose your job due to the economic crisis ? march right up to your boss's office and break into a 10 minute dance sequence. not only will you get promoted rather than being fired, but youll now also have stock options. about to be dumped by your girfriend ? just dance and not only will she never break up with you but she'll also offer to do all your laundary.

if only we could harness the super-awesome power of dance, we'd be able to solve all our problems. imagine a world with no disease, hunger, terrorism and a limitless supply of gummi bears. awesome !! so whenever life seems to be bearing down on you, break out that leotard and just dance !

Candy Makes Me Happy

ok so im tired of every other person coming up to me and whining about their life and problems. im sick hearing how any person who doesnt accept your friend request on facebook is stupid or gay and how everything just blows. i realise that at times things dont go your way and that life can just be a bitch. but lack of new friends to stalk on facebook or speeding fines are hardly anything to complain about. i mean if you come off as a creep on social networking websites or if you drive like lindsay lohan jacked up on cocaine, then its really you whose at fault. if you really wanna throw a tantrum about something, make sure its something any of fucking relevance, like samuel l jackson !

personally, my secret to happiness is candy. any kind will do. hand me a jumbo pack of m&m's and good for the next hour or so. it has also been pointed out to me that at times i bitch and moan about random things, so ive decided to lead by example. yes, its true, im going to enjoy all the crapiness in the world. and just to prove it, heres a list of a few things that will make me happy:

celebrity gossip (magazines): ofcourse i want to know which of the jonas brothers' is gay ? and i certainly want to know which celebrity has shaved off his/her head after coming off a 4 day bender.

brown bread: its healthy and tastes just like dry grass. AWESOME !!

energy drinks: pssht ! whats one more thing to remind me that i need help in getting the basic daily tasks done.

dane cook: anyone whose comedy routine involves going on about how women lie while drinking kool-aid is amazing. period.

twilight: a vampire movie with no sex and violence ? sign me up for the sequel !

orange popsicles: one word- YUMMERS !

coldplay: so what all their songs sound the same? why waste time listening to the entire album, when just one song will do. thats time management at its peak. abso-fucking-lutely genius !!

modern day pirates: sure they might not use cutlasses and sing and make merry late into the night, but they sure try hard. and thts all that matters, damnit !

samuel l jackson: all he wants to know if how those motherfucking snakes got on the plane and how to kill them. give the guy a break !

nicolas cage: im glad he has taken all this acting ability and focused on making one movie for the rest of his career. the type where hes in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, hes on his own and no one believes him and a bunch of explosions happen. thats brilliant ! who wants to go to the movies and waste brain cells trying to figure out complicated movie plots ? not me !

american idol: all those kids want to do is sing their hearts out, and make simon happy. come on !

ok, who the fuck am i kidding here ? all the above suck harder than a hooker working the las vegas strip ! now, wheres that pack of m&m's ?

Why Cant Bad Be Good ?

ok so howcome everything is harmful to you these days ? tv, food, videogames, drugs, sex- anything fun that is. just the other night they were having this discussion on the radio about bacteria that can and do get onto your phone and how that can fuck your ear up. wtf ?!! its like the only thing you can do without having to worry about dying is going outside and sitting in a field or something. but then again, with the whole ozone layer depletion and green-house gas scenario, sitting outdoors would kill you too. what the heck..i say live fast and die young. that way you'll atleast leave a good looking corpse behind.


and what about all this talk banning the use of ipods and other mp3 players while on the street (well atleast in the west) because they make you less observant to the world and tend to make you more anti-social. and all this after some woman got hit by a bus while crossing the road with her ipod on. im sorry, but if you cant see a big red bus coming towards you, then youre just plain stupid. i mean, isnt the whole point of an mp3 player to get lost in your own world of music ? to block out the outside world and to have some time to yourself. ok, also to pretend not to notice annoying friends. hmm ok maybe it does make a tad anti-social. but who cares !

basically what im getting at is howcome i cant try something without having to face any life threatening consequences. like what if i want to try ecstasy ? it sure looks like fun in the movies. and so what if i end up grooving to techno music, waving a glowstick around for 12 hours..thats just the icing on the cake ! but do i really have to worry about convulsions, seizures and eventually dying in pool of my own sweat and piss ?

or how about just having sex all day long ? it sure looks like fun (or so i would think) and its a great way to burn off calories while staying indoors. 'oh honey, i shouldnt have had that last piece of cake. its gonna go straight to my ass''dont worry baby. i help you burn it off ' uh-uh !

so why cant i just have plain, meaningless sex, without having to worry about mini-me turning all purple and bloated and eventually falling off ?


and ive noticed that its not just things that are bad for you, but people as well. no one tells you to stay away from the person who teaches high school mathematics and also volunteers at the local animal shelter. no, its always the fun people youre to stay away from.
like just before leaving for college, my parents asked me to stay from sex, drugs and druggies..the usual spheel every adolescent kid gets to hear before heading off to college. ok so i didnt smoke pot. but occasionally i hung around people who did. now how could i not hang out with those guys ? they always had great snack ideas. and if youre low on cash, its a good group to hang out with for a free meal. i mean if all your friends are stoned, just start talking about cheese pizzas, double whoppers and ice cream sundaes. you'll soon be on your way to snack heaven !! sure, most of those guys failed all their courses, got kicked out of university and ended up with jobs handing out promotional fliers. but thats besids the point.


why cant snorting lines of cocain in the washroom of a club be considered a 'healthy lifestyle' ? similarly why cant having oatmeal bread (which tastes like dried crap) give you nasty stomach ulcers ?
i love eating cookies. why cant i eat a dozen cookies straight for a week and end up with 6-pack abs ?
i fricking hate spinach. thats as tasty as licking a bottle of iodine (fuck you popeye !). why cant spinach be bad for me ?

this is all thanks to the information age, where you can look up almost anything on google. we need to lay off all this technology and go back to being ignorant. afterall, isnt ignorance bliss ? isnt that how people lived before bill gates came along with his fancy personal computer ?
just take a look at the 18th and early 19th century. smoking was not only considered cool, but it also helped with your digestion. drinking alcohol at all times of the day was the norm. hell even drinking and driving was socially acceptable. and you could hump almost anything with legs. the only thing youd have to worry about was the black death. but we all have to die one day, so why not go with a bang ?!!

Play Time

what's wrong with kids these days ? they never want to get out of the house and part-take in some physical activity. and im not talking about the nasty kind. back in my time, we were happy just being out of the house. but then again, the 80's were a completely different time. the streets were safer and you could play just about anywhere you wanted. pepsi was a buck a bottle and every kid had a superhero action figure stuffed in his back pocket. If you forget the rigidly enforced social rules, the racism, bad haircuts and constant threat of nuclear annihilation, the early 80's were a pretty sweet time to be a kid. hell, even micheal jackson hadnt gone all wacko !

anywho, getting back on track, kids these days, they have it so easy. with their interweb, fancy cellphones, guitar hero, and free access to porn. no wonder them kids have gone soft.

searching online for spiderman action figures, here are some out-of-the-ordinary ones i came across. pro-woman ? ridonculous ? age appropriate ? you decide. and yes, spiderman is awesome !


1. bling bling bikini spa- barbie is back, and shes ready for the spa. now i havent tried this toy out, but doesnt it seem more fun than a barrel of monkeys ? just fill the toy tub with water, put the doll in and kick back and watch while she hangs out at the coolest spa in town ! yeah, now thats fun !

2. crack ho barbie and pimp daddy ken- what better way to instill good moral values into your kid than by getting her the crack ho barbie. with the likes of paris hilton, nicole richie and lindsay lohan being teen role models, i guess you really cant blame mattel for coming out with a barbie line to interest the future skanks of the world.

3. teen pregnancy barbie- after the crack ho barbie, this one seems to be the obvious choice. oh and the doll comes with a feeding bottle, a cellphone, fake cash and trendy diaper bag.

4. peekaboo pole dancing kit- equipped with with a pole extendible upto around 8ft, an instructional book, fake money and a garter belt, the kit has everything to allow you to unleash the sex kitten inside. so now girls can play practice their pole dancing moves when they are 12. by 14 theyre on facebook, dancing in their undies. and by 16 theyre well on their way to becoming a vegas call-girl. oh well i guess theres no harm in starting young..

A Brief Respite...

prologue: its hard coming up with random annoying things

it was a chilly night. the air was crisp, laden with moisture, typical of a normal winter night. there she waited, a blank stare across her face, her eyes fixed on a spot of mud across the floor. somewhere in the distance a police siren wailed, pulling her out of her trance. she looked around nervously, half expecting to see a familiar face in the crowd. she saw no one. just empty faces scurrying about with their mundane routines. she drew in a welcomed breath of air. they would be looking for her. coming for her soon. with that sense of urgency, she felt a sudden surge of adrenaline shoot through her veins. a surge that would eventually climax to that familiar high.

she used to be strong. but during the days of late, she found herself falling a slave to these cravings. these dark, forbidden urges. would they understand ? they would have to. but she didnt care anymore. inching closer, she felt her chest constrict. her breathing quickened. not the time to panic, she murmured under her breath.

she felt crippled as she found herself giving in to her dark desires. but then again she had always known how the night was going to play out, with only one remaining at the end. she had finally accepted what she was. a sea of calm washed over her. she smiled.

as her grip on the knife tightened, she drew in deeper breaths of air. she had to steady her wavering hand, she told herself. she had only one chance and she knew it. as the knife plunged in, she let out a sigh of relief. it was over. she had to have a taste she told herself, her eyes darting around the room.

the knife once again went to work, feverishly cutting tiny morsels. this was second nature to her now. nervously, she drew in another deep breath. she closed her eyes, anticipating that first taste. she let it sit on her tongue for a while. savouring the flavour, letting it all sink in. as she finally swallowed, she found herself saying out aloud, 'damn, thats some good chocolate fudge cake!!'

Ive LOST My Sanity

sometimes in life you just have to go with it. it might be eating a nice big plate of bull testicles when in china, or maybe it’s making out with a fat chick so that your buddy can score with her hot friend, or maybe it’s just turning off your brain and enjoying abc's lost. for thats exactly wht you need to do, turn your brain off, if you want to get through the show.

for those not aware of the show, it follows the lives of a bunch of people stranded on a tropical island. ok so the plot seems pretty interesting. and with a bunch of people trapped on an island, you'd certainly expect them hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, like bunnies. or so i'd hoped. but if you thought not having crazy orgies by beach was weird, wait till the polar bear shows up. yes, a polar bear on a TROPICAL island! what the fuck, right??!

and what about that crazy cloud of black smoke that tore mr.eko from limb to limb..where it did come from, where did it go (where did it come from cotton-eye joe) (8)...well i know where it went: right into m.night shyamalan's 'the happening'.

and dont even get me started on all the flash-backs and the flash-forwards. or on the fact that after whining for 5 seasons about wanting to get off the island and successfully doing so, the lead characters now just want to go back. sheesh, i haven’t been so confused about a story since i watched that tourette’s syndrome film about the stuttering albanian donkey that juggles fish.

now i could go on about the shortcomings of the show (like how the entire island is now moving back and forth through time..), but i thought it would be easier if i just listed a few idiosyncrasies of some of the lead characters. a character guidebook, if you may..

john locke: 'i used to be a paraplegic, but now i can run, jump and dance. ive been shot multiple times in the stomach, the gut, the leg, stabbed a few times here and there, fallen of trees and even a cliff but i just wont die. im the real jack baur. oh yeah!'

ben linus: ' im just doing what jacob wants me to do! '
' pull that lever, john. thats what jacob wants you to do! '
' where are you going? thats not what jacob asked you to do! '
' jacob! jacob! jacob! '

jack: ' im not your leader. i dont want to be the leader. i never asked to be the leader. now you,
go get some dry wood for the fire. you, go get some fish. you, see if you can kill a boar. i'll
just sit here and mentally molest kate, all the while giving sawyer the evil eye. '

sawyer: ' are you guys gonna look for food? ok, lemme take my shirt off! '
' hey! why am i tied up in this cage? fine, i'll just take my shirt off! '
' i say we attack the 'others' now. lemme just take my shirt off! '
' blah blah blah..lemme just take my shirt off! '

kate: ' ooo jack looks so hot. lemme make out with him a bit. '
' is that sawyer with his shirt off? lemme go and make out with him. '
' jack just saved that guys life. i think i'll go make out with him. '
' oh sawyer is acting like such a jackass. i think i'll go make out with him. '

sayid: ' my name is sayid jarrah, and i am a torturer. '

desmond: ' hello, brotha! '
' you alright, brotha!? '
' i have to flip that switch 500 times in 110 seconds, brotha! '
' you're gonna die, brotha! '
' brotha! '

p.s. its good to be back!

Playing Second Fiddle

judging by the success of superhero movies in 2008, its a fair assumption saying that the comic book genre has now become hollywood's safest bets. i mean iron man, the hulk and dark knight all did pretty well at the box office. and with the looming economic crisis looking to stick around for a while, like those annoying out of town relatives who always drop in during the holidays, hollywood is definitely looking to play it safe.

so i guess the era of superheroes frolicking around in spandex suits is upon us. oh and speaking of spandex suits and rubber nipples, there are rumors about the next batman movie being in production with catwoman and riddler being outlined as possible villians.

but what really peeves me is how there is no chatter about the inclusion of robin. i mean, come on ! without robin, batman is just the dynamic uno. a depressed, middle-aged man who lurks in the shadows at night wearing tights. pretty stalker-like behaviour if you ask me. with robin around, atleast two is company.

now why robin didnt get a comic of his own from the start, i dont get. he was probably introduced so kids would have someone to identify with. and this is not at all a strange concept. im sure there are alot of kids who fantasize about playing chewbacca, or any other sidekick for that matter, rather than the lead character. then again, these are probably the very same kids who eat paint chippings off the jungle jim. you would have to be as dumb as a box of rocks to pick robin over batman.

and that just brings me back to my original question: why introduce robin as batman's sidekick ? what exactly is robin to batman ? he is just the sidekick ? or is he more ? perhaps the partner, the lover, the servant, the houseboy... ?


or maybe robin was simply brought in to offer kids the hope that if your parents were tragically murdered, one day batman just might let you too fight criminally deranged villians well after midnight.