Avatar Mania

ok so with all this talk and praise about avatar and how it has become the highest grossing movie of all time, i thought i too should jump on the avatar wagon. only that my wagon is hitched in the opposite direction. from an entertainment perspective, i am quite disappointed with the movie. the story lacks originality, drags on and is predictable.

avatar is what you get if the blueman group, dances with wolves, the masai tribe and a dozen pack of skittles all came together.

'hey panda, so what if james cameron ripped off pocahontas, dances with wolves, the new world and firekind ?!! the movie is still a visual masterpiece. an orgasm for the eyes !'

perhaps. but just like an orgasm, its not something you can sit through for 3 hours. atleast i couldnt. it was like having a cake made entirely of chocolate frosting. or being beaten on the head with a rainbow- just too much of a good thing.

no wonder people walked out with depression and suicidal tendencies.

Pout-tastic !

ok so thanks to facebook, online stalking has been brought a whole new dimension. every now and then youll come across someone with a public profile. and that always makes me feel like the kid who just got that life-sized ninja turtles costume for his birthday (still waiting for that). 850 pictures ? dont mind if i do !

but just when youre in the absolute midst of getting your stalk on, you come across a picture so douchey that it just puts you off completely. yes, i am talking the pouted lips pose. im sorry, but there is nothing sexy about looking like a duck. do you ever remember donald duck getting lucky ? i sure dont.

isnt having random guys ogling your pictures the greatest unsaid compliment you could ask her ? isnt that the real reason why you actually have over a 1000 pictures posted on facebook ? so stop acting like a douche and stop pouting.

you might think that flashing gang signs at parties or posing with your girlfriends in public washrooms with your lips protuding a few inches from your faces makes it look like you know how to party, just like that fictional bastard from monopoly with his fancy suit, top hat and monocle. but in reality you just set yourself up for an endless barrage of ridicule. it does also feed your hunger for attention, seeing as how any PR is good PR. so i guess its a win-win situation for everyone. yayy !

by the way, what is this fascination with taking pictures in public washrooms ? i have yet to figure that out. perhaps its the male equivalent to posing with half your shirt lifted to conviniently display your abs. just a little too douchey for my taste. unless there is female nudity involved, then its ok.

Online Chatting

ok so im not really a big fan of online chatting. i mean theres only so much you can chat about before the conversation starts to drag on. and the beeps, alerts, flashing tabs, nudges and winks only serve as a constant reminder of the scinthilating nuggets of wisdom waiting for you.

Hell, the only appeal that facebook does present is the lack of obligation in replying immediately to your friends' posts. anywho heres a breakdown of the types of the different type of people ive come across over the years and still do:

-the question talker: always talks in questions. what are you trying to do, have a conversation with me or force some sort of a confession ?

-the so-so: everytime a conversation dies out, their only attempt at starting a new one is to type in the word 'so'. and with every dead conversation, the 'so' ends up stretching longer and longer until all you see is 'sooooooooooooooooooooooo'. look, there's a reason why the chat died in the first (second, third and fourth place)- YOU'RE BORING !

-the illiterate: dey thinkz itz 2 kewl 2 alwez talk lik dis. No one thinks that's cool, not even k-fed or vanilla ice.

-the color whore: they sprinkle the chat with excessive emoticons and brightly colored fonts, just like a donut with rainbow sparkles. the only thing more sparkley than such a chat is the damn twilight vampire.

-the nonstop: as long as youre signed in and online, this person makes it their personal mission to bombard you with nonsensical facts about anything and everything. to me, you and your facts are as useful as a jam sandwich to a drowning cat.

-the disappearance act: the complete opposite of the nonstop. right in the middle of a conversation, this person will just randomly disappear from their pc.

-the busy bee: one who is signed into a chat program with a busy status and gets annoyed when you message.if youre actually really busy, what purpose do you have signed in on a chat program ?

-the lol freak: lol and all of its derivatives (lmao, rofl etc) have just gone to mean 'i dont have the intellect to come up with anything interesting to say'. type lol more than 3 times in chat with me and you will find yourself permanently blocked. come on, youre no bull grazing in the field of literature.

-the mute: who never starts a conversation nor replies to any of your messages, but rather just sits there in your contact list like a virtual piece of eye candy. and what's worse is that you don't even know how this person ended up amongst your contacts in the first place or what he/she is still doing there.

so if you identity yourself while going through this list and start to feel even an ounce of accomplishment, dont. just dont.

Heist !

ok so who doesnt love a good heist movie. youve usually got fast car chase scenes, a couple of good fist fights and a cute chick. so which guy wouldnt love a heist movie ? even dane cook, who usually goes on about retarded things like how he would name his first born "ffrrrrrrr" (wtf ?), accepts that he would love nothing more than to be part of a heist.

maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.

anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.

i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.

i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.

i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.

i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).

Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.

i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.

i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?

i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.

who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.

Hey, Look At Me ! Ima Douche !

ok so cell phones have officially replaced sports cars as the 'hey, look at me !' item, especially for guys. i'll admit its way cheaper to buy the blackberry storm than a ferrari, but they both pretty much mean the same thing- youre a douche ! and more the functions your cell phone has, the bigger the douche you are. lets see..:

pda: ok so this has got to be one of the most useless options available on a phone and is used by guys who think they are players. well if you were really a player, you would have an actual human assistant, not a digital one !

gps: you being lost in the first place only confirms you being a douche !

built-in games: theres no pride in gloating abt the 2 games pre-programmed into your cell phone. the fact that you cant shell out for a psp and have to rely crap like tetris to entertain yourself just proves youre a grade-a douche.

voice recognition dialing: i have yet to see a voice recognition dialing system that dials the correct contact on the first attempt. and belieive me, nothing screams out 'douce alert !' louder than a person yelling in public at his phone 'call maria, not saira..i said to call maria !!!' (true story..)

having all these functions on your cell phone is just like fitting your old nissan sunny with spoilers, side skirts and neon lights. and using all these features in public is just like walking around in a mall wearing sweat bands on your wrists, a toque and sunglasses, with your pants resting gingerly on your ass-crack, showing the world just how big of a douche you really are.

Just Dance !

ok so i dont know if its just me, but dancing really seems to be in these days. you've got 'dance-reality' shows on tv like so you think you can dance and dancing with the stars, and these shows always rake in huge ratings. even on 'talent-reality' shows, dance acts seem to do really well with the audience and judges alike. so that has got me thinking about the power of dance and maybe its something that i need to embrace wholeheartedly, seeing as how already i am all dance and no belly.

letting these thoughts molest my mind for a bit, i am now convinced that all the problems and troubles in the world will go away if i just dance. my problems, not yours mind you. afterall isnt that how it is in the movies ? and hollywood certainly wouldnt lie to us like that, with all those movies being based on REAL life stories. for all you skeptics out there, i took the liberty of researching the validity of my claim about the link between dancing and problems. heres what i found :

dirty dancing: dancing helps a rich, daddy's girl and a camp dance instructor get out of an illegal abortion scenario, escape burglary charges and end up together in the end, despite their vastly differing backgrounds.

you got served: after getting served (as the title rightly suggests), dancing helps two best friends get back together after a rift, get over the drive-by death of one of their friends, win $50,000, get the opportunity to star in a lil kim video and serve the dance crew who initially served them. oh and one of the leads also ends up with his best friends sister. wow, now thats gotta be one of a dance !

step up: dancing brings a troublemaking street dancer and a privileged modern dancer together to perform a routine that could change their lives for the better. dancing also helps the guy get the girl in the end.

and lets not forget zoolander, where breakdance-fighting helps prevent the assassination of the prime-rib of micronesia.

all this just tells me that there is no problem that dance cant fix. got a final tomorrow that you havent studied for ? no problem. just dance in front of your class and see your professor give you an A. about to lose your job due to the economic crisis ? march right up to your boss's office and break into a 10 minute dance sequence. not only will you get promoted rather than being fired, but youll now also have stock options. about to be dumped by your girfriend ? just dance and not only will she never break up with you but she'll also offer to do all your laundary.

if only we could harness the super-awesome power of dance, we'd be able to solve all our problems. imagine a world with no disease, hunger, terrorism and a limitless supply of gummi bears. awesome !! so whenever life seems to be bearing down on you, break out that leotard and just dance !

Candy Makes Me Happy

ok so im tired of every other person coming up to me and whining about their life and problems. im sick hearing how any person who doesnt accept your friend request on facebook is stupid or gay and how everything just blows. i realise that at times things dont go your way and that life can just be a bitch. but lack of new friends to stalk on facebook or speeding fines are hardly anything to complain about. i mean if you come off as a creep on social networking websites or if you drive like lindsay lohan jacked up on cocaine, then its really you whose at fault. if you really wanna throw a tantrum about something, make sure its something any of fucking relevance, like samuel l jackson !

personally, my secret to happiness is candy. any kind will do. hand me a jumbo pack of m&m's and good for the next hour or so. it has also been pointed out to me that at times i bitch and moan about random things, so ive decided to lead by example. yes, its true, im going to enjoy all the crapiness in the world. and just to prove it, heres a list of a few things that will make me happy:

celebrity gossip (magazines): ofcourse i want to know which of the jonas brothers' is gay ? and i certainly want to know which celebrity has shaved off his/her head after coming off a 4 day bender.

brown bread: its healthy and tastes just like dry grass. AWESOME !!

energy drinks: pssht ! whats one more thing to remind me that i need help in getting the basic daily tasks done.

dane cook: anyone whose comedy routine involves going on about how women lie while drinking kool-aid is amazing. period.

twilight: a vampire movie with no sex and violence ? sign me up for the sequel !

orange popsicles: one word- YUMMERS !

coldplay: so what all their songs sound the same? why waste time listening to the entire album, when just one song will do. thats time management at its peak. abso-fucking-lutely genius !!

modern day pirates: sure they might not use cutlasses and sing and make merry late into the night, but they sure try hard. and thts all that matters, damnit !

samuel l jackson: all he wants to know if how those motherfucking snakes got on the plane and how to kill them. give the guy a break !

nicolas cage: im glad he has taken all this acting ability and focused on making one movie for the rest of his career. the type where hes in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, hes on his own and no one believes him and a bunch of explosions happen. thats brilliant ! who wants to go to the movies and waste brain cells trying to figure out complicated movie plots ? not me !

american idol: all those kids want to do is sing their hearts out, and make simon happy. come on !

ok, who the fuck am i kidding here ? all the above suck harder than a hooker working the las vegas strip ! now, wheres that pack of m&m's ?