If Sammy Could Speak

Lately theres been alot of hullaballoo over freeing Sammy the Shark, from newspaper campaigns to statements from the interior ministry. even peta is now advocating for the shark's release. Frankly, until now I didnt really care much for sammy. but since my inbox has been flooded with facebook invites to 'free sammy the shark' groups, ive decided this nonsense has gone long enough.

firstly such groups on facebook are as useful as a third tit on a pitbull. i mean if they accomplished anything, i would have long since joined a group on the lynching of samuel l.jackson. and jon voight too. *sigh.

why anyone would want sammy freed, i know not. i know sharks are endangered and all. but, so what ? life seems to be going on perfectly without dinosaurs and dodos. there are the odd one or two child molestations by roman priests every now and then. but i doubt the two are related.

am i the only one who remembers jaws ? beaches and pools are a different story, that series had me scared shitless enough to even stop taking bubble baths. and yes, i took bubble baths as a kid. or perhaps i grew enough sense to realise that wallowing in a pool of my own filth wasnt really the way to go. either way id like to think that 10ft great whites had some role to play.

well thats my two cent on the matter. i wonder what sammy would say if he could speak. then again if he could talk, they would never let him out. anywho this is what i think he would say:

set me free, sweet human being
under the deep blue sea we shall swim
there'll be no sorrow, there'll be no pain
feelings of joy will fill your brain

set me free, oh mortal
we shall swim together to heaven's portal
leave your fears ashore, leave them behind
forget the troubles of your kind

swim with me, yes stay within my sight
now hold still, its no good to fight
i'll bite off your leg and leave you dying
didnt you realise all this while i could be lying ?

in short, that Free Willy shit doesnt happen in real life !

Chicken Humor

riddled with insect bites that would put hickeys to shame, im not really in the mood to work on a new post. so i thought id just recycle some material already circulating interweb. i did have to cut the original piece down. you can catch the whole thing at http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick2.htm

why did the chicken cross the road ??

plato: for the greater good.

aristotle: to fulfill its nature on the other side

karl marx: it was a historical inevitability

hippocrates: because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas

albert einstein: whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference

aristotle: to actualise its potential

budda: if you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature

darwin: it was the logical next step after coming down from the trees

nietzsche: because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you

ralph waldo emerson: it didnt cross the road, it transcended it

oliver north: national security was at stake

emily dickenson: because it could not stop for death

ernset hemingway: to die. in the rain

saddam hussein: this was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

jack nicholson: 'cause it fucking wanted to. thats the fucking reason

and to end with my own personal spin:
asif zardari: that chicken is very gorgeous. can i hug her ?

Theatrical Treats

Cinema snacks- theres much to be said about them. first of all, i'd like to bitchslap the muppet who thought it was a smart idea to sell nachos at the movies. bitchslap him all the way to mexico that is. if wailing babies and cellphones with amr diab ringtones werent enough to drown out the dialogues, the loud crunch of a nachooo will surely do the trick.

and whats the deal with selling pancakes at the snack bar ? i have nothing against pancakes. i personally think they are flat, circular cakes of magical goodness. but selling them at the movies is like hugh hefner dating 20 yr old bunnies- the two just dont go together !

lastly coming to popcorn. now i can tolerate that lone rouge kernel that always seems to get stuck in your teeth. but popcorn leaving your hands feeling greasy and smelling buttery, now thats what drives me crazy. now i could go and wash my hands, but i dont. i just dont. so that just leaves the option of nonchalantly wiping my hands off my neighbors seat- a tricky task indeed, but you get the hang of it after a few tries.

so ladies, if we are at the movies and you feel my hands snaking around your seat, thats just me wiping the popcorn juices off my hand rather than trying to cup a feel. but then again seeing as how i dont order popcorn anymore, its more likely to be the latter case.

Simply Craving A Ride...

alright so what is it with elevators that drives people to a whole new level of retardation ?
to start with, why press the call button numerous times ? thats just like shooting a dead goat again and again. its not like the fifth headshot is going to kill it all over again.

and what the fuck is up with those who hold the elevator and then call out to their posse by name ? this isnt the line to an amusement park ride for them to hold places. are they worried their friends dont have the mental development to operate an elevator ?

and then there is my favourite type of jackass- those who enter the elevator when people already INSIDE havent left yet. that just makes me want to go to town on them, much like a one-legged man at an ass kicking contest. jeez, can there be any bigger tools ?!

but then again i guess i shouldnt berate them too much for simply wanting to go up and down a vertical shaft....