*sparkle* Robsessed *sparkle sparkle*

ok so easter is just around the corner- a time for candy, skimpy bunny costumes and kids. yayyy!! thank god this holiday isnt illegal. although i could do without the kids bit.

speaking of things that should be illegal, robert pattinson is a name that certainly comes to mind. why this joker is still around, i have no idea. how he became a celebrity is even more baffling to me.

his acting skills are non-existent. i know he was in one or two of the potter movies, but they killed him off because he sucked. i mean you must be really bad if harry's odd, goofy ginger sidekick has starred in more movies than you.

and then there are the twilight movies. all he really does is mope around for 90 minutes and then sparkle in the sun for a few seconds towards the climax. i know he's stuck as a teenager but he's supposed to be 300 years old. stop being an emotional, suicidal teen and act your age, goddamnit!!

so acting skills are out, how about looks ?

well when you hear the word, “celebrity”, you think of glamorous, clean cut, put together people like george clooney, john stamos, johnny depp. you definitely don’t think of them looking like they’re homeless. homeless, thats exactly what robert pattinson looks like with his oily, scruffy hair and a look of dumb-fuck on his face. i honestly think he's on the fast track of becoming the next joaquin phoenix.

now i understand it can be hard to get a measure of how exactly i feel about robert pattinson, so i decided to dr seuss it for you internet. here goes:

'i hate rob patt on a plane, i hate rob patt on a train. i hate rob patt here and there, i hate rob patt everywhere. throw your rob patt against the wall, kick your rob patt while it crawls. these thoughts i think i must, but wrong i know i trust myself to stop to it. but i cant. so ill continue this rant.'

anywho, so is robert pattinson really famous ? well he might think he is famous. but hes not famous. he is synonmous with the word douche, but certainly not famous. thats what makes him douchebag of the day. scratch that, douchebag of the decade.

Purgatory

there he stood, by the water's edge, only the wail of the wind and his thoughts to keep him company. his thoughts of her, for that was all that remained of her.

he could still remember that day as if it were yesterday. their eyes had met across the crowded room. for him, it was love at first sight. he was taken over by the delicacy of her features. her brown eyes brightened up the room. her gentle, timid smile made his heart skip a beat. he felt her silent gaze pierce his heart and touch the very depth of his being. like a phantom, she had flown across and captured his heart.

and now she was gone. and the coldness was her final gift. there was no other tale to tell. every day is a lie. that he is slowly dying, that is not a lie. how does he prepare for the day when every memory is gone ?

days turned to months and months to seasons, yet no respite. every place he sought refuge, brimmed with her memory. he missed her in the changing of the seasons. he missed her at the rise and fall of the sun. in the passing of time itself and he hated himself for it all. for not being able to let go.

they had all lied to him. made empty promises of how the passing of time would ease his pain. rage and grief still lingered. the constant ache of loneliness was ever present. all emotions had faded into nothingness, only to be replaced by a haze.

the night is so still that he forgets to breathe. the dark air gets colder, the howl of the wind growing louder. he wonders if it is too late for him. if change is inevitable. he scowls at the world, thinking of all the lives. the lives that go on while he still drifts in purgatory.

twisted and torn, he walks off into the night with his mind rambling.
he would never forget her, for she still managed to captivate him.
he would never forget her, for he still loved her.

Typecast

Youth In Revolt, another typical micheal cera movie where he wakes up in morning after NOT getting laid, goes through day after day NOT getting laid and the movie ends with him NOT getting laid.

as bad as being typecasted is, there can still be some variation if you happen to be an action hero. you can play a vietnam war vet who kills without prejudice, renegade cop who yells obscenities has he kills all the badies single handedly, a half-man half scorpion creature. heck you even get to play the tooth fairy ! now thats variety.

no such luck for cera. his movie career seems to be a running of groundhog day, except that he is no bill murray. poor bastard.

yes, the last few weeks have been pretty slow.

Avatar Mania

ok so with all this talk and praise about avatar and how it has become the highest grossing movie of all time, i thought i too should jump on the avatar wagon. only that my wagon is hitched in the opposite direction. from an entertainment perspective, i am quite disappointed with the movie. the story lacks originality, drags on and is predictable.

avatar is what you get if the blueman group, dances with wolves, the masai tribe and a dozen pack of skittles all came together.

'hey panda, so what if james cameron ripped off pocahontas, dances with wolves, the new world and firekind ?!! the movie is still a visual masterpiece. an orgasm for the eyes !'

perhaps. but just like an orgasm, its not something you can sit through for 3 hours. atleast i couldnt. it was like having a cake made entirely of chocolate frosting. or being beaten on the head with a rainbow- just too much of a good thing.

no wonder people walked out with depression and suicidal tendencies.

Pout-tastic !

ok so thanks to facebook, online stalking has been brought a whole new dimension. every now and then youll come across someone with a public profile. and that always makes me feel like the kid who just got that life-sized ninja turtles costume for his birthday (still waiting for that). 850 pictures ? dont mind if i do !

but just when youre in the absolute midst of getting your stalk on, you come across a picture so douchey that it just puts you off completely. yes, i am talking the pouted lips pose. im sorry, but there is nothing sexy about looking like a duck. do you ever remember donald duck getting lucky ? i sure dont.

isnt having random guys ogling your pictures the greatest unsaid compliment you could ask her ? isnt that the real reason why you actually have over a 1000 pictures posted on facebook ? so stop acting like a douche and stop pouting.

you might think that flashing gang signs at parties or posing with your girlfriends in public washrooms with your lips protuding a few inches from your faces makes it look like you know how to party, just like that fictional bastard from monopoly with his fancy suit, top hat and monocle. but in reality you just set yourself up for an endless barrage of ridicule. it does also feed your hunger for attention, seeing as how any PR is good PR. so i guess its a win-win situation for everyone. yayy !

by the way, what is this fascination with taking pictures in public washrooms ? i have yet to figure that out. perhaps its the male equivalent to posing with half your shirt lifted to conviniently display your abs. just a little too douchey for my taste. unless there is female nudity involved, then its ok.

Online Chatting

ok so im not really a big fan of online chatting. i mean theres only so much you can chat about before the conversation starts to drag on. and the beeps, alerts, flashing tabs, nudges and winks only serve as a constant reminder of the scinthilating nuggets of wisdom waiting for you.

Hell, the only appeal that facebook does present is the lack of obligation in replying immediately to your friends' posts. anywho heres a breakdown of the types of the different type of people ive come across over the years and still do:

-the question talker: always talks in questions. what are you trying to do, have a conversation with me or force some sort of a confession ?

-the so-so: everytime a conversation dies out, their only attempt at starting a new one is to type in the word 'so'. and with every dead conversation, the 'so' ends up stretching longer and longer until all you see is 'sooooooooooooooooooooooo'. look, there's a reason why the chat died in the first (second, third and fourth place)- YOU'RE BORING !

-the illiterate: dey thinkz itz 2 kewl 2 alwez talk lik dis. No one thinks that's cool, not even k-fed or vanilla ice.

-the color whore: they sprinkle the chat with excessive emoticons and brightly colored fonts, just like a donut with rainbow sparkles. the only thing more sparkley than such a chat is the damn twilight vampire.

-the nonstop: as long as youre signed in and online, this person makes it their personal mission to bombard you with nonsensical facts about anything and everything. to me, you and your facts are as useful as a jam sandwich to a drowning cat.

-the disappearance act: the complete opposite of the nonstop. right in the middle of a conversation, this person will just randomly disappear from their pc.

-the busy bee: one who is signed into a chat program with a busy status and gets annoyed when you message.if youre actually really busy, what purpose do you have signed in on a chat program ?

-the lol freak: lol and all of its derivatives (lmao, rofl etc) have just gone to mean 'i dont have the intellect to come up with anything interesting to say'. type lol more than 3 times in chat with me and you will find yourself permanently blocked. come on, youre no bull grazing in the field of literature.

-the mute: who never starts a conversation nor replies to any of your messages, but rather just sits there in your contact list like a virtual piece of eye candy. and what's worse is that you don't even know how this person ended up amongst your contacts in the first place or what he/she is still doing there.

so if you identity yourself while going through this list and start to feel even an ounce of accomplishment, dont. just dont.

Heist !

ok so who doesnt love a good heist movie. youve usually got fast car chase scenes, a couple of good fist fights and a cute chick. so which guy wouldnt love a heist movie ? even dane cook, who usually goes on about retarded things like how he would name his first born "ffrrrrrrr" (wtf ?), accepts that he would love nothing more than to be part of a heist.

maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.

anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.

i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.

i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.

i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.

i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).

Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.

i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.

i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?

i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.

who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.