ok so who doesnt love a good heist movie. youve usually got fast car chase scenes, a couple of good fist fights and a cute chick. so which guy wouldnt love a heist movie ? even dane cook, who usually goes on about retarded things like how he would name his first born "ffrrrrrrr" (wtf ?), accepts that he would love nothing more than to be part of a heist.
maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.
anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.
i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.
i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.
i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.
i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).
Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.
i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.
i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?
i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.
who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.
maybe hes onto something there. but then again dane also says that he would love nothing more than to have a monkey who would fling its own shit around. dane's mind is like a steel trap, only one that has been left out so long, it had rusted shut. so we cant go by anything that joker says.
anywho, with the new heist movie, armored, coming out later this year, and the brazilian job later down the line, i thought id go over a few things id rather NOT see in a heist movie. only because ive seen around 100 of these films and things are starting to get just a little repetitive.
i dont want to see a group of nobodys that have skills crucial to pulling off the job, but are forced/threatened to work together and whose personalities grate on one another as they attempt to steal some priceless object only to be double crossed at the last second. i know we all cant be like thomas crown, but it sure isnt too hard to try.
i dont want to see any jumping/hopping/squeezing/dancing around or under any lasers, unless its scarlett johansson or any other chick with a body to match.
i dont want to see security guards being slipped a little something in their drinks to induce projectile vomiting just to have their keys/id cards being stolen. just shoot them in the head and be done with it.
i dont want to see anyone dressed as a ninja (unless youre playing the role of an actual ninja, then its ok).
Nothing says “im a criminal” like a guy wearing a balaclava and black pajamas while hanging around a loading dock at 2 am.
i dont want to see a water tunnel accidently burst while drilling the underground tunnel (come on, theres always an underground tunnel). unless its kate beckinsale doing the drilling and shes wearing a white shirt.
i dont want to see any equipment that costs more than the gnp of switzerland to commit the robbery. If you can afford hydraulics that can lift an entire building up 6 inches, then why the hell are you robbing someone?
i dont want to see the thieves bypass the security camera by looping a recording of an empty room into the television monitors. that idea worked in speed, but then again that was back in 1994 and it was still fashionable to use floppy disks and sport mullets.
who am i kidding ? asking for a heist movie without any these is like trying to form voltron without any of the 5 induvidual robot-lions. sure, theyre lame on their own but once together, they make for some good tv. just like voltron.
