Play Time

what's wrong with kids these days ? they never want to get out of the house and part-take in some physical activity. and im not talking about the nasty kind. back in my time, we were happy just being out of the house. but then again, the 80's were a completely different time. the streets were safer and you could play just about anywhere you wanted. pepsi was a buck a bottle and every kid had a superhero action figure stuffed in his back pocket. If you forget the rigidly enforced social rules, the racism, bad haircuts and constant threat of nuclear annihilation, the early 80's were a pretty sweet time to be a kid. hell, even micheal jackson hadnt gone all wacko !

anywho, getting back on track, kids these days, they have it so easy. with their interweb, fancy cellphones, guitar hero, and free access to porn. no wonder them kids have gone soft.

searching online for spiderman action figures, here are some out-of-the-ordinary ones i came across. pro-woman ? ridonculous ? age appropriate ? you decide. and yes, spiderman is awesome !


1. bling bling bikini spa- barbie is back, and shes ready for the spa. now i havent tried this toy out, but doesnt it seem more fun than a barrel of monkeys ? just fill the toy tub with water, put the doll in and kick back and watch while she hangs out at the coolest spa in town ! yeah, now thats fun !

2. crack ho barbie and pimp daddy ken- what better way to instill good moral values into your kid than by getting her the crack ho barbie. with the likes of paris hilton, nicole richie and lindsay lohan being teen role models, i guess you really cant blame mattel for coming out with a barbie line to interest the future skanks of the world.

3. teen pregnancy barbie- after the crack ho barbie, this one seems to be the obvious choice. oh and the doll comes with a feeding bottle, a cellphone, fake cash and trendy diaper bag.

4. peekaboo pole dancing kit- equipped with with a pole extendible upto around 8ft, an instructional book, fake money and a garter belt, the kit has everything to allow you to unleash the sex kitten inside. so now girls can play practice their pole dancing moves when they are 12. by 14 theyre on facebook, dancing in their undies. and by 16 theyre well on their way to becoming a vegas call-girl. oh well i guess theres no harm in starting young..

A Brief Respite...

prologue: its hard coming up with random annoying things

it was a chilly night. the air was crisp, laden with moisture, typical of a normal winter night. there she waited, a blank stare across her face, her eyes fixed on a spot of mud across the floor. somewhere in the distance a police siren wailed, pulling her out of her trance. she looked around nervously, half expecting to see a familiar face in the crowd. she saw no one. just empty faces scurrying about with their mundane routines. she drew in a welcomed breath of air. they would be looking for her. coming for her soon. with that sense of urgency, she felt a sudden surge of adrenaline shoot through her veins. a surge that would eventually climax to that familiar high.

she used to be strong. but during the days of late, she found herself falling a slave to these cravings. these dark, forbidden urges. would they understand ? they would have to. but she didnt care anymore. inching closer, she felt her chest constrict. her breathing quickened. not the time to panic, she murmured under her breath.

she felt crippled as she found herself giving in to her dark desires. but then again she had always known how the night was going to play out, with only one remaining at the end. she had finally accepted what she was. a sea of calm washed over her. she smiled.

as her grip on the knife tightened, she drew in deeper breaths of air. she had to steady her wavering hand, she told herself. she had only one chance and she knew it. as the knife plunged in, she let out a sigh of relief. it was over. she had to have a taste she told herself, her eyes darting around the room.

the knife once again went to work, feverishly cutting tiny morsels. this was second nature to her now. nervously, she drew in another deep breath. she closed her eyes, anticipating that first taste. she let it sit on her tongue for a while. savouring the flavour, letting it all sink in. as she finally swallowed, she found herself saying out aloud, 'damn, thats some good chocolate fudge cake!!'

Ive LOST My Sanity

sometimes in life you just have to go with it. it might be eating a nice big plate of bull testicles when in china, or maybe it’s making out with a fat chick so that your buddy can score with her hot friend, or maybe it’s just turning off your brain and enjoying abc's lost. for thats exactly wht you need to do, turn your brain off, if you want to get through the show.

for those not aware of the show, it follows the lives of a bunch of people stranded on a tropical island. ok so the plot seems pretty interesting. and with a bunch of people trapped on an island, you'd certainly expect them hop on the good foot and do the bad thing, like bunnies. or so i'd hoped. but if you thought not having crazy orgies by beach was weird, wait till the polar bear shows up. yes, a polar bear on a TROPICAL island! what the fuck, right??!

and what about that crazy cloud of black smoke that tore mr.eko from limb to limb..where it did come from, where did it go (where did it come from cotton-eye joe) (8)...well i know where it went: right into m.night shyamalan's 'the happening'.

and dont even get me started on all the flash-backs and the flash-forwards. or on the fact that after whining for 5 seasons about wanting to get off the island and successfully doing so, the lead characters now just want to go back. sheesh, i haven’t been so confused about a story since i watched that tourette’s syndrome film about the stuttering albanian donkey that juggles fish.

now i could go on about the shortcomings of the show (like how the entire island is now moving back and forth through time..), but i thought it would be easier if i just listed a few idiosyncrasies of some of the lead characters. a character guidebook, if you may..

john locke: 'i used to be a paraplegic, but now i can run, jump and dance. ive been shot multiple times in the stomach, the gut, the leg, stabbed a few times here and there, fallen of trees and even a cliff but i just wont die. im the real jack baur. oh yeah!'

ben linus: ' im just doing what jacob wants me to do! '
' pull that lever, john. thats what jacob wants you to do! '
' where are you going? thats not what jacob asked you to do! '
' jacob! jacob! jacob! '

jack: ' im not your leader. i dont want to be the leader. i never asked to be the leader. now you,
go get some dry wood for the fire. you, go get some fish. you, see if you can kill a boar. i'll
just sit here and mentally molest kate, all the while giving sawyer the evil eye. '

sawyer: ' are you guys gonna look for food? ok, lemme take my shirt off! '
' hey! why am i tied up in this cage? fine, i'll just take my shirt off! '
' i say we attack the 'others' now. lemme just take my shirt off! '
' blah blah blah..lemme just take my shirt off! '

kate: ' ooo jack looks so hot. lemme make out with him a bit. '
' is that sawyer with his shirt off? lemme go and make out with him. '
' jack just saved that guys life. i think i'll go make out with him. '
' oh sawyer is acting like such a jackass. i think i'll go make out with him. '

sayid: ' my name is sayid jarrah, and i am a torturer. '

desmond: ' hello, brotha! '
' you alright, brotha!? '
' i have to flip that switch 500 times in 110 seconds, brotha! '
' you're gonna die, brotha! '
' brotha! '

p.s. its good to be back!